Rainbow bridge dog poem

Philosopher Stone College 1660
18-year-old Gondul stood in front of the giant building. She was a mere 20 feet from it, but the sight of it took her breath away. Philosopher Stone College is the place everyone and their mother was talking about. Everyone except Newton's mother The green grass was lightly touching the crystal clear water on the pond just below the small bridge. "This place is beautiful, Ikey," Gondul said as he turned around, facing Newton. Isaac had hit a growth spurt; the once shy 10 year old was now a 6 ft 5 young adult. "Ikey ? You still call me that. "Isaac chuckled slightly, cupping his hands to get a small amount of water from the steam. "Yeah, I've been calling you that for the longest time. Why stop now?" Gondul shrugged. The older man didn't reply, instead splashing cold spring water onto his face. He shook his head, allowing the brown curls to bounce off. "Come on now, I wanna explore the area before we start class," Gondul gave him a book.
Isaac moved the book away instead of staring at the sky, the light blue pastel color mixed with the flash of a rainbow. His once deep brown eyes turned the same color as the sky reflecting the multicolored light. Suddenly, flowers of different colors popped up from the ground, both of them. "Uh..Ikey," Gondul shook him, "You are in a trance-like state again." Isaac shook his head, his eyes turning brown again. "I'm sorry. Did you say something?" "Your magic," Gondul said, picking up the beautiful flowers he had created and putting them in her purse. "Right ..." Isaac awkwardly rubbed his hair. "You should probably control yourself a little better next time," Gondul pointed out. "Yeah, sorry," Isaac felt back. "It's not your fault, but I really don't want them to find out." Gondul rubbed her chin. "Maybe there is a way for you to repress it?" "Just long enough until school ends and we are alone?" "Magic isn't something you can just repress, darling. It's complicated," Isaac stated, turning a green apple into a red one. "Hhhmmmm," Gondul took the apple, taking a bite out of it, "I think I have an idea..."
"Hmm," Isaac stood up. "You can always dress up as a jester and pretend you are working on a play in case anybody asks any questions," Gondul pointed out. "A Jester?" Pretending ? Play ? " Isaac turned his head sideways. "Yes, people do it all the time, kind of like acting; maybe you can set up a stage play and write a play," she tried explaining it to him, showing as much enthusiasm as possible. "Uh, no," Isaac rejected the idea.
Gondul noticed the disappointment on his face. "You see, there's a few reasons: #1, I really don't wanna make a fool of myself by being dressed up as a complete idiot," Isaac raised a finger. "Yeah, that's a good point." Gondul realized that. "Magic #2 isn't something to joke about or pretend to do, especially since it's a very complex skill that has a grey area if my magic looks too convincing, well, we are busted," Isaac told her. "Okay, but how strong is your magic?" I'm sure you are good enough to fake it, or I could do the jester role, as Gondul debated. Isaac gave a heavy sigh. "There is no talking it out with you, is there?" Gondul patted him on the shoulder, giving him a smile. "If we play our cards right, we could earn money too!" I mean, instead of doing chores all day, we could study magic while pretending to be humans." "True ..." Isaac collected a few branches he snapped from the tree, making them into a pile.
"What are you doing?" Gondul helped him with the branches. "I plan on collecting a few things for my studies, such as branches, tree bark, and whatever I can find." Isaac dipped a tree branch inside the stream until a bright color emerged. Once he pulled the stream out, it turned into a wooden bowl. Newton filled it with water, staring at his own reflection. "Do you need any help on this?" Gondul asked. "No, this is something I need to do on my own. I can't see you getting hurt," Isaac muttered. "Can you repeat that last part, please?" Gondul gave him her book back. "I said go on; I'll catch up later," he lied. "Okay, Ikey," Gondul waved at him before taking a few steps. "Wait, Gondul," Isaac reached out to her, "Need something?" Gondul answered.
"I... do you think I'd make a good magician... like Galileo or my father?" he swallowed. "No," Gondul disagreed harshly, much to Newton's dismay. "I'm sorry for asking," Isaac groaned in defeat. "I know you would make a better one than any other one combined," her face grinned. "Gondul..." Isaac whispered, his back resting on the tree. "Good luck," Gondul ran across the bridge, jumping across the gate past a few other students. The University of Philosopher's Stone is a rather large place near the gated entrance. It's the type of place where it's easy to get lost. "Sorry, I'm so sorry," she said as she bumped into a few students wandering around the university like a lost child. "Hey, watch it!" a rude man yelled at her. "I'm sorry, it's just so crowded here," Gondul apologized. The brick walls have carvings layered around the walls of the university. Each carving has a specific symbol of stars or some form of astrology. There are hundreds of them, all lined up in two opposite columns. Gondul opened one of the doors, letting herself inside. "Holy moly..." sapphire blue eyes opened.
Inside Philosopher Stone University is what you would expect from such a prestigious, luxurious school. The floors were made out of marble-like rock with different decorations. Dozens of statues of various Greek gods stood by. Gondul felt intense pressure coming from the bone. Cold sweat dropped on the floor along with the excessive shivering. Was it nervousness? Fear? Excitement?the constant thoughts rattled Gondul's brain. "No ..." Gondul shook her head, sitting on the rails of the long stairs to slide off.
flash back
"Why are we going to Philosopher's Stone University?" Gondul asked, watching Isaac pack up his bags. "Grandma told me that Philosopher Stone was the first magic school to open up before it converted to a normal university after it became illegal." The school still opened, but they basically swept their past under the rug, Isaac explained. "Right... that's probably a myth though, right?" Gondul asked him. "Probably, but if there is just 1 person who can teach me what my father couldn't, then I'm willing to risk it even if it means death," Isaac mentioned. Gondul paused upon hearing that. Just kidding! Isaac gave a fake chuckle. "You have the worst sense of humor ever," Gondul pouted. The horse galloped across the open terrain. Gondul laid his head on Isaac's shoulder. "I'm going to miss Grandma Margary's blueberry pie." "Yeah, blueberries are my favorite, especially the way the crust sets on top of the bread," Isaac agreed.
Flash back ends
"There must be proof of some sort of magic." Gondul debated looking through the many doors with bizarre symbols. Being near Isaac for years had made her accustomed to feeling different types of energy. Being in a crowd of students, it was hard to tell which magical fields belonged to whom. It didn't help with the random birds flying around due to the number of open windows. "Hey shoo shoo!" Gondul moved away from the huge raven bouncing off random students. "Someone should really get rid of the bird infestation," someone complained. The raven flew away out of the window, leaving only its black feathers.
In another room was a huge area where the roof was made out of glass. A young man around the same age as Isaac and Gondul climbed on the fragile wood structure like monkey bars. His blond hair had a huge curl on top of it, along with expensive, elegant clothing compared to everyone else's. Once he got bored, he quickly fell off 12 feet, landing on his shoes.
"Thomas Alva Edison! "Didn't I tell you to stop playing around and get to class!?" A man yelled at him. The lamp in front of him completely obscured his face, leaving nothing but a lock of red hair. "Lighten up, pop!" Edison grabbed a Cream Filbert, taking a bite. "Pops?" The man's arm twitched. "I'M ONLY 13 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU." "Relax Isaac, I'm just playing with you," Edison said as he opened the door. "See you later, tutor."
Once the door closed, a raven teleported inside with a burst of red energy. The gem on top of its forehead is glowing. He flew towards the man named "Isaac," once again obscuring his face. "Oh, really?... no way," Isaac understood him. "I'll check it out," he snapped, turning the lights off.

Just did the TB2 Lift 45 class tonight and don't see it posted anywhere yet, so here's what I remember. I feel like I'm forgetting something, or may have something slightly out of order but here's what I can recall:
6.5 minute blocks, continuous work on all of them, no rest anywhere, if you complete the 3 sets then you continue on with the middle rep count until time is called.

• 10/8/6 - Single arm chest press (each side)
• 10/8/6 - Standing balance shoulder press (each side)
• 10/8/6 - Goblet step down toe tap (each side)

​

• 16/12/8 - Reciprocating row
• 16/12/8 - Alternating forward lunge
• 16/12/8 - High plank alt shoulder tap

​

• 10/8/6 - Bird dog low rows (each side)
• 10/8/6 - Half kneeling hammer curls (each side)

​

• 10/8/6 - Split stance deadlift (each side)
• 10/8/6 - Straight leg lifts on bench

Finisher

• 20s - Full V ups
• 20s - Bicycle crunches
• 20s - Bridge hold alt walk out
• 45s - Dead bug press hold
• 20s - Bridge hold alt walk out
• 20s - Bicycle crunches
• 20s - Full V ups

He’s a Golden/Lab mix. Died of cancer Oct. 2021. I hope there’s visiting hours at the Rainbow Bridge 😞

Sorry to the mods, at times I'm as dumb as a box of rocks.
So, I am taking RueMint's form for myself and spilling it all out there.
I'll get the selfie out of the way first.
https://imgur.com/a/s1N2A7Y
It's a wee bit outdated because I just shaved my head and it's at the "peach fuzz" stage right now.
Basics - Age is already up above, 5'8 (although looking at the doorway height signs stores put in, they say 6'0, so I like to steal Ron White's joke and say "anywhere between 5'8 and 6'2 depending on what store I walk out of) 215lbs. I have a job, a car, a home I bought, I try to keep tidy, and I make sure the bills are paid, although they slip my mind because I am a space cadet, and I make them get back to current. I am very reticent and much more of a listener, although I have moments where the dam breaks and I am a chatterbox. I guess I would say dreamer, and I want to and am slowly working towards my dreams.
Physical looks - Now, this may be the deal breaker due to my self-esteemed being in pieces and if so, it happens. No tattoos, eventually I want to get one when I feel comfortable as a memorial piece to my dog. I have minimal body hair (definitely the opposite of Austin Powers, that's for sure). Body type is, to be real, dad bod, am getting back into the gym to lift heavy things and put them back down. I do not feel right if I do not have a daily shower, unless I know I am getting filthy, then when it is done I am sitting under a fires of Mordor hot shower until I am clean.
Imaginings - I imagine being with someone who has that open line of communication, be it a silly thought or something that invites discussion. As an old friend once said, "what you ignore is priceless to me." A relationship is work, and it has to be maintained and upkept daily, else the wheels fall off. I believe that while we help our partners, even if we have to be the bad person to be kind at times, and they have an important role in our lives, ultimately we cannot set ourselves on fire to keep the other person warm.
My defense mechanism is my reticence, be patient and let me sort my thoughts when I get upset as they become a whirlwind and I need a minute to settle the storm.
There are plenty of times I am upstairs in my head and "wandering the halls", and those times it's usually elevator Muzak or the Mii theme going on. As was said in the game Bastion, "Not always something to say."
Still reading? Awesome.
Questionnaire
Kids - None. Now, I refuse to become the draconian Childfree person that the subreddit became. I can handle being around kids, the billion dollar answer is I don't want any of my own, I know nothing about parenting and I don't want to take the crash course.
Religion - Agnostic. I believe there's things out there that we can't explain, as long as nobody is trying to force their religion down my throat, I'm okay.
Politics? Pro-choice, pro-science, support the LGBTQ community, I hate Trump, and am vaccinated.
Drink? Smoke? Drugs? Don't smoke, the worst I've been in forever was a Malort with friends, and yes, the aftertaste is absolutely horrid. I don't like the smell of weed, I don't partake in it, I don't mind if someone does, just not around me cause again, I think it stinks.
Have you ever been in therapy? Yes. I have depression and anxiety and while I fell off the wagon in terms of therapy due to financial stuff, I am getting back on.
Do you want to get married someday? Honestly, I don't know, but I am keeping it as an option. I don't care to blow an easy 5 figures to get married, I am perfect happy with a small celebration among close friends and found family, and making memories.
Can anything be funny? No. Some people try to be edgier than Bismuth and while there are dark humor jokes that can make me spit my drink, I believe 1) time and place. 2) the company 3) subject. All three are equally important when it comes to humor. I am so so SO much more of a dad joke and pun guy, or even some adult humor.
City? Country? Somewhere in the middle please. I would like to not be near major metropolitan areas, nor do I want to be out in the sticks. I've done both, and am happy with where I can hide away from the world, and if need be not have to drive 40 minutes just to get something from the store.
Is jealousy a healthy emotion? It is normal, yes. Communication is King, Queen, and Their Eminence when it comes to handling this, however, as this is also something that comes up in a relationship.
Are you looking for someone local? Kind of, I am financially bound to my house for right now, if not then we can cross that bridge if/when we come to it.
Intimacy and sex? I can’t be in a relationship where sex isn’t an important part. I have an above average sex drive, but it does not consume me. Sex, like the relationship, is give and take. Sometimes I like to take control, others I let my partner take the wheel.
Music? I am a bit eclectic (and a basic bitch) and dabble in various genre outside of hip hop (unless you count Lotus Juice?) Or heavy metal, I like to understand what I'm listening to. If anyone knows of any good didgeridoo music, let me know.
Movies? I had been on a Marvel kick, and try to be open minded on various genre. I can live just fine without horror, although I will indulge in Chainsawman, and am happy to keep it away from a partner who isn't interested. Love a good animation, Pixar has wowed me with what I have seen of their works, and I like to watch some good sci-fi.
Shows? I watched a ton of Doctor Who, and most media I consume anymore has been games, outside of reading Fandom to catch up on things I missed, and I will sit with friends to watch anime like Buddy Daddies, Chainsawman (as above), or whatever catches our collective eye.
Games? Here is the big one for me. I’ve grown up on the NES, and consider the SNES to be the golden era of gaming. Of course, there are some crappy stories (I love a good story that will hook me, like Earthbound for its whimsical nature yet dark undertones) such as Lufia 2, but it’s what I consider as media “Fast food”. What I mean by that is that is empty turn off your brain fun, yet hits the itch you can’t quite scratch. I am still a huge fan of the 2D Legend of Zelda series (I love A Link To the Past), and if the trailer is decent enough, I’m willing to give it a chance.
Art? I love digital art. There is a lot of dedication and passion that artists put into their work and I respect the eye and talent that they put into it. Pixel art can be absolutely wonderful and the artists put in a painstaking amount of work to make everything pop. Game Design is something I've wanted to do ever since I was a little kid, and Super Mario Bros blew my mind.
Books?
I used to read, read, read as a little kid. That dream of a library sounds absolutely wonderful, and so comfortable at the end of the day. I think high fantasy and RPGs have helped solidify that is what I want to do at the end of the day. Anything with dragons will pique my interest, and if there is a good story, I will probably devour it.
What are some of your non-sexual turn ons?
A good long hug, where someone holds onto me like I'm about to disappear, as well as hugs from behind. Top of head or forehead kisses. Actively listening, or inviting further discussion on a topic, even if it's something that isn't easily understood. Compassion is a huge one for me, and when I'm falling apart showing patience for me while I slowly put myself together. Understanding that sometimes I need my own space and/or I'm going to stubbornly push on to work through something, because I know if I don't keep pushing forward I'm going to stagnate and I don't want that.
Do you want your partner to have the same hobbies and interests?
Absolutely, doesn't have to be everything I'm into, as having exactly everything match up is a cashew's chance at a squirrel convention. As much as I love a good long cuddle, I don't have to have someone attached to my hip, nor do I want that. If there is something one or the other isn't interested in, then it's okay to not be interested, just don't shit all over it.
I would love to see someone everyday, wake up with them or shortly before and get breakfast prepped or we do it together, or even if there's something that needs to be done by oneself, that's okay too!
If you want to talk more, drop me a DM, and to prove you are not a bot (beep boop) list in the title what game I consider crappy, yet hits an itch you can't quite scratch.

So, I am taking RueMint's form for myself and spilling it all out there.
I'll get the selfie out of the way first.
https://imgur.com/a/s1N2A7Y
It's a wee bit outdated because I just shaved my head and it's at the "peach fuzz" stage right now.
Basics - Age is already up above, 5'8 (although looking at the doorway height signs stores put in, they say 6'0, so I like to steal Ron White's joke and say "anywhere between 5'8 and 6'2 depending on what store I walk out of) 215lbs. I have a job, a car, a home I bought, I try to keep tidy, and I make sure the bills are paid, although they slip my mind because I am a space cadet, and I make them get back to current. I am very reticent and much more of a listener, although I have moments where the dam breaks and I am a chatterbox. I guess I would say dreamer, and I want to and am slowly working towards my dreams.
Physical looks - Now, this may be the deal breaker due to my self-esteemed being in pieces and if so, it happens. No tattoos, eventually I want to get one when I feel comfortable as a memorial piece to my dog. I have minimal body hair (definitely the opposite of Austin Powers, that's for sure). Body type is, to be real, dad bod, am getting back into the gym to lift heavy things and put them back down. I do not feel right if I do not have a daily shower, unless I know I am getting filthy, then when it is done I am sitting under a fires of Mordor hot shower until I am clean.
Imaginings - I imagine being with someone who has that open line of communication, be it a silly thought or something that invites discussion. As an old friend once said, "what you ignore is priceless to me." A relationship is work, and it has to be maintained and upkept daily, else the wheels fall off. I believe that while we help our partners, even if we have to be the bad person to be kind at times, and they have an important role in our lives, ultimately we cannot set ourselves on fire to keep the other person warm.
My defense mechanism is my reticence, be patient and let me sort my thoughts when I get upset as they become a whirlwind and I need a minute to settle the storm.
There are plenty of times I am upstairs in my head and "wandering the halls", and those times it's usually elevator Muzak or the Mii theme going on. As was said in the game Bastion, "Not always something to say."
Still reading? Awesome.
Questionnaire
Kids - None. Now, I refuse to become the draconian Childfree person that the subreddit became. I can handle being around kids, the billion dollar answer is I don't want any of my own, I know nothing about parenting and I don't want to take the crash course.
Religion - Agnostic. I believe there's things out there that we can't explain, as long as nobody is trying to force their religion down my throat, I'm okay.
Politics? Pro-choice, pro-science, support the LGBTQ community, I hate Trump, and am vaccinated.
Drink? Smoke? Drugs? Don't smoke, the worst I've been in forever was a Malort with friends, and yes, the aftertaste is absolutely horrid. I don't like the smell of weed, I don't partake in it, I don't mind if someone does, just not around me cause again, I think it stinks.
Have you ever been in therapy? Yes. I have depression and anxiety and while I fell off the wagon in terms of therapy due to financial stuff, I am getting back on.
Do you want to get married someday? Honestly, I don't know, but I am keeping it as an option. I don't care to blow an easy 5 figures to get married, I am perfect happy with a small celebration among close friends and found family, and making memories.
Can anything be funny? No. Some people try to be edgier than Bismuth and while there are dark humor jokes that can make me spit my drink, I believe 1) time and place. 2) the company 3) subject. All three are equally important when it comes to humor. I am so so SO much more of a dad joke and pun guy, or even some adult humor.
City? Country? Somewhere in the middle please. I would like to not be near major metropolitan areas, nor do I want to be out in the sticks. I've done both, and am happy with where I can hide away from the world, and if need be not have to drive 40 minutes just to get something from the store.
Is jealousy a healthy emotion? It is normal, yes. Communication is King, Queen, and Their Eminence when it comes to handling this, however, as this is also something that comes up in a relationship.
Are you looking for someone local? Kind of, I am financially bound to my house for right now, if not then we can cross that bridge if/when we come to it.
Intimacy and sex? I can’t be in a relationship where sex isn’t an important part. I have an above average sex drive, but it does not consume me. Sex, like the relationship, is give and take. Sometimes I like to take control, others I let my partner take the wheel.
Music? I am a bit eclectic (and a basic bitch) and dabble in various genre outside of hip hop (unless you count Lotus Juice?) Or heavy metal, I like to understand what I'm listening to. If anyone knows of any good didgeridoo music, let me know.
Movies? I had been on a Marvel kick, and try to be open minded on various genre. I can live just fine without horror, although I will indulge in Chainsawman, and am happy to keep it away from a partner who isn't interested. Love a good animation, Pixar has wowed me with what I have seen of their works, and I like to watch some good sci-fi.
Shows? I watched a ton of Doctor Who, and most media I consume anymore has been games, outside of reading Fandom to catch up on things I missed, and I will sit with friends to watch anime like Buddy Daddies, Chainsawman (as above), or whatever catches our collective eye.
Games? Here is the big one for me. I’ve grown up on the NES, and consider the SNES to be the golden era of gaming. Of course, there are some crappy stories (I love a good story that will hook me, like Earthbound for its whimsical nature yet dark undertones) such as Lufia 2, but it’s what I consider as media “Fast food”. What I mean by that is that is empty turn off your brain fun, yet hits the itch you can’t quite scratch. I am still a huge fan of the 2D Legend of Zelda series (I love A Link To the Past), and if the trailer is decent enough, I’m willing to give it a chance.
Art? I love digital art. There is a lot of dedication and passion that artists put into their work and I respect the eye and talent that they put into it. Pixel art can be absolutely wonderful and the artists put in a painstaking amount of work to make everything pop. Game Design is something I've wanted to do ever since I was a little kid, and Super Mario Bros blew my mind.
Books?
I used to read, read, read as a little kid. That dream of a library sounds absolutely wonderful, and so comfortable at the end of the day. I think high fantasy and RPGs have helped solidify that is what I want to do at the end of the day. Anything with dragons will pique my interest, and if there is a good story, I will probably devour it.
What are some of your non-sexual turn ons?
A good long hug, where someone holds onto me like I'm about to disappear, as well as hugs from behind. Top of head or forehead kisses. Actively listening, or inviting further discussion on a topic, even if it's something that isn't easily understood. Compassion is a huge one for me, and when I'm falling apart showing patience for me while I slowly put myself together. Understanding that sometimes I need my own space and/or I'm going to stubbornly push on to work through something, because I know if I don't keep pushing forward I'm going to stagnate and I don't want that.
Do you want your partner to have the same hobbies and interests?
Absolutely, doesn't have to be everything I'm into, as having exactly everything match up is a cashew's chance at a squirrel convention. As much as I love a good long cuddle, I don't have to have someone attached to my hip, nor do I want that. If there is something one or the other isn't interested in, then it's okay to not be interested, just don't shit all over it.
I would love to see someone everyday, wake up with them or shortly before and get breakfast prepped or we do it together, or even if there's something that needs to be done by oneself, that's okay too!
If you want to talk more, drop me a DM, and to prove you are not a bot (beep boop) list in the title what game I consider crappy, yet hits an itch you can't quite scratch.

Hi everyone,
Unfortunately, my beloved cat was diagnosed with an aggressive cancer in her mouth and as a result has a tumogrowth that is growing in her mouth. It's been almost 4 weeks since she was diagnosed and we opted for comfort care vs surgery as we are big advocates for quality of life. She is only 10 years young and we've had her since she was ~1 from a no-kill shelter.
The growth has affected the way she eats, and up until yesterday, she ate OK but just took longer. Yesterday night while eating, she started pawing at her mouth like she was trying to remove the growth, she snags her tongue or mouth with her nails hard enough to draw blood. At this point, we are ready to call for a service to come to our home so she can cross the rainbow bridge at home. We put pain medication in her food, so if she can't even eat her food, it's the last thing we want.
What makes it incredibly tough for us, is outside of her eating, tongue sticking out, and drool, she acts like nothing is wrong and is a normal cat. Sits next to her toys to play, uses the litter box normally, scratches her cat trees and climbs them, sun bathes, sleeps with us/on top of us. Her acting 'normal' outside of eating makes us not want to let her go too early...How do we know it is time to let her go?

so, i’m a treatment technician in the surgical ward at the hospital i work at. we share a space with ward attendants, and part of their job is to deal with deceased pets.
my phone was on my desk and it lit up as one of the ward attendants was standing next to me and saw my lock screen of my dog and i. here’s how the conversation went:
attendant: is that your dog?
me: yeah, it was on her birthday. she’ll have her 15th birthday over the rainbow bridge.
attendant: aye! mario cart!
me: ???? do you not know what the rainbow bridge is??? how long have you worked here?
attendant: a year and a half and i’ve never heard that term but i’ve heard of doggy jesus
me: it’s where pets go when they die
attendant: oh

(Content notes: stillbirth, subsequent pregnancy.)
One year, one month, and two weeks ago, my wife and I lost our only child. She died when my wife went into preterm labor caused by cervical insufficiency. She was a beautiful, special little soul who burned very bright during her brief adventure in this world.
This far out, we are still in profound grief and terrible trauma, and to some degree we always will be. But we're here, we get out of bed every morning, and we're glad to be alive--things we didn't think were possible in the horrible days, weeks, and months after we lost our little girl.
We have been incredibly blessed to get pregnant again, and today as we sit on the cusp of 39 weeks, waiting for our second daughter to arrive, trying to be patient and praying she makes it here safely, I want to take a moment to pause and write out the things that have actually helped us survive this longest, hardest year. This is a post I've wanted to write for a long time, and I finally feel able to do it.
So, here are the things that have actually helped, in something very roughly like the order in which we did them. If you are caught in the jaws of acute grief, I hope you find an idea or two in here that might help you, and I hope you keep on fighting.

1. Heat. Grief can come as terrible chills. I felt like my soul had been sucked out my a Dementor. Get warm any way possible. Hot showers, extra sweaters, heating pad, hot coffee or tea.
2. Being together. In those first days we didn't spend any time part. We even showered together. Our hearts and our bodies needed one another's presence at every possible moment. We still spend as much time together as we can, and talk about our daughter often.
3. People. Being surrounded by people has been incredibly important. We had family members stay with us for the whole first month, and then most weekends for months after that. One wretched day early on, we collapsed into bed for a few hours in the middle of the day. When we felt able to move again, we wandered out of our room and found our whole family sitting at the kitchen table, just talking around a fresh pot of coffee even though it was 6pm. I don't know why it was the coffee that touched me, but somehow it was; it was a scene that could have happened hundreds of years ago or hundreds of years from now, a rich, roasty thread of family transcending space and time. I will always remember that moment as a little touchstone of what it meant to have people around.
4. Getting a dog. In a cruel twist of fate, our sweet old dog died about a week before our daughter did. We came back to house with no baby and no dog. It was unbearable. We adopted the sweetest, most wonderful little monster less than two weeks after our loss. I cannot describe the comfort he has brought us, how much happier the house is with him around. When we got him he was 10 months old, covered in pee, infested with bugs, completely uncivilized, and absolutely perfect. Housetraining him became the sole purpose of my existence for awhile. I love that little guy like I've never loved any other dog, and I have loved a lot of dogs. We would have been lost, utterly without him. He has made us smile every day, even on the worst days.
5. Books. Oh, the books. I can barely pronounce the syllables "Elizabeth McCracken" without getting choked up; that's how much books have meant to us. I believe people need stories more than we need almost anything, and in the worst moments, sometimes stories are all we have. Stories teach us, stories prove what is possible, stories map the terrain, stories can never be taken away from us. The two most important books for us have been An Exact Replica of a Figment of My Imagination by Elizabeth McCracken (I have been sustained in many dark moments by the dream that someday we will get to ask her to sign our copy, she will understand everything without us having to say a word, and with tears in my eyes I will ask her to kiss our rainbow baby, which she will of course do with gusto) and Once More We Saw Stars by Jayson Greene. Several family members read Exact Replica and that was extremely helpful too. To this day my mom will say about some challenge or blessing, "It's just like the book!"
6. Therapy. Yeah. You need therapy after something like this. We still go weekly and probably will for the foreseeable future.
7. Time off work. I used up all my leave and then took a one month unpaid leave of absence, the maximum my job allowed. It came out to eight weeks and I needed every minute of it. We made the choice for my wife not to return to work when her leave ran out to focus on trying again. We are so lucky to have been able to do so and it was 100% the right decision. We would not be where we are today if she hadn't been wiling to do that. Take as much time as you possibly can and don't apologize to anyone.
8. Faith and community. I can't imagine living through this without our faith and religious community. People from our synagogue delivered us meals and came to pray with us in our home. A rabbi who had a stillborn grandchild came to visit us. We learned about Jewish teachings that say that babies who are stillborn or die very young may be very special souls, able to complete their entire spiritual mission in a very short time, and I believe with every fiber of my being that our daughter was such a soul. We have lived by the belief that every single life matters, no matter how brief, that our daughter's spirit lives on forever, and that ultimately, we will be together again.
9. History, perspective, and ancestors. It has been so helpful to remember that if you go back just a few generations, nearly all of our ancestors lost a child. Go digging around in the biographies of historical figures and you will find so many lost children. A rabbi I greatly admire, Rabbi Nachman of Breslov (1772-1810), was born after his mother lost her first son when he was just a few days old, after a long struggle with infertility. Rabbi Nachman himself lost four of his eight children, lost his first wife, and died of tuberculosis when he was just 38 years old. And he contributed so much wisdom and beauty to the world. He taught that despair is not an option. Tragedy is normal. People are so much stronger than we think we are.
10. Nature and travel. We took long road-trip pilgrimage that functioned as our DIY grief retreat. Being in motion, the simple purpose of having to get on the road in the morning, and soaking in natural beauty were lifesaving and essential. We saw strange, magical things and learned a lot that we needed to know on that trip. Get outdoors in whatever ways you can. Leave town if you can swing it. Feel the sun on your face, breathe fresh air, and just sit with nature, big or small, and let the world slowly show you how to be to alive from moment to moment.
11. Music. At first we thought we'd never listen to music again. Slowly, we figured out how to do it. Soul and folk music in particular have sustained me. Aretha Franklin signing "Let It Be," Nina Simone singing "Here Comes the Sun" and "O-o-h Child," The Carter Family's version of "Will the Circle Be Unbroken," Gillian Welch singing "I'll Fly Away," and Brandi Carlisle and Emmylou Harris singing "Take Me Home, Country Roads," taught me to how be alive again.
12. Connecting with other bereaved parents. Through support groups and forums like this one, we learned and shared many stories. Eventually, we each were blessed to find one person we especially connected with and have built an ongoing relationships, and that has been worth everything.
13. Completely resetting all our expectations of ourselves. What was most useful was thinking of the grief as a grievous physical injury. How would you treat yourself if you had shattered both your legs in a terrible accident and might never walk again? Do it. Because that's exactly what happened.
14. Throwing ourselves into hobbies. When we could, we started doing the things we used to enjoy again. We both completed the Fantasy bingo challenge, each reading 25 works of speculative fiction in particular categories this year, and we just finished this week. We resumed our exercise routines, did cooking and crat projects, found we could get lost in a TV show or a video game again. Even ten seconds of respite is worth it. Making progress at something tangible and completely unrelated to our loss or to trying to get pregnant was really important.
15. And finally, planning another pregnancy with our medical team, and trying again.

I hope that each and every one of you will be surrounded by love and find rest in the knowledge that your baby's life matters. He or she changed the whole world just by being a part of it. I hope you heal in ways you never thought possible. And if you want to, I hope you are able to have another baby or several, whether by birth or adoption or some stroke of fortune yet unknown.
It is possible for good things to happen after your child dies.

Everything sold faster than I thought last time I have enough time to sell some more manga.
This will be the final sale for awhile. Anything not sold will be put into storage. I'm moving to a smaller place for awhile and need to downsize.
All volumes are $5 a piece, shipping included. Must buy a the whole series to get the deal. Must get a minimum of 4 for included shipping.
If you buy a very large amount an additional deal can be made.
Imgur Post - Additional Photos available upon request.
--
Selling:
Pleasure and Corruption 1-5 Sold
Beauty and the Feast 1-6 Sold
Rent-a-(really shy)-girlfriend 1-3
Rainbow and Black 1-3 Sold
Wotakoi vol 6 (barnes and noble cover)
Look Back
Solo Leveling Manhwa 1-5 Sold
Solo Leveling Novels 1-6 Sold
Giganto Maxia Sold
The Weakest Contestant 1-2
17-21
My Hero Ultra Analysis
The world after the fall vol 1
My Dress up Darling vol 6 Sold
Call of the Night vol 1-2, 5-10 Sold
​
Figures:
Fate Altria Pendragon 1/7th Dress Ver $180 shipped
Type-Moon Racing Altria Pendragon 1/7th $110 shipped
Inosuke Pop-up Parade $20 shipped
Funko Pops $5 each + shipping. boxes are meh condition
​
Keychains/Acrylics:
I also have keychains and acrylic stands $2 each. Can probably get away with throwing one or two in and still getting media mail with books, but if you want a lot shipping prices may need to be adjusted.
​
Note:
Books are from a smoke-free/pet-free house. Update: I recently got a puppy, he has not been in contact with any books but has been in the same room. If you are allergic to dogs I would not take the chance.

This story is a true story that happened to me around 3 years ago in Weatheroak, England.
It was the day after an interhouse competition at my barn (I do horse-riding) and I had decided to give my horse a bit of a break from strenuous work by hacking her down a local bridleway that was around a 6 - 7 minute walk from my barn. The bridleway was usually quiet at all times of the day; there were never any horse-riders or pedestrians or dog walkers, for that matter. The bridleway cut through a small section of a larger woods that ran alongside a small (and insignificant to the story) barn.
Me and my horse had gone down this bridleway numerous times before, alone and in the company of other people. It was a straight-forward path to follow; there were no forks in the path until you came to the end of the bridleway when you could choose to go to a riding stables or down the main road that led over a bridge. Me and my horse usually took the path to go onto the main road (we never had any reason to go into the riding stables, and that place was private).
For the first 10 minutes of riding down this bridleway, nothing happened. My gut was telling me that something was slightly off - my first red flag that I (stupidly) did not heed. That would come to bite me in the arse later. On the one side of the bridleway, there was a motorway (I don't know the name, I don't remember it). The traffic on the motorway was really the only thing that I could hear, and that would be the case for the majority of the ride. My horse seemed perfectly content; she seemed to be detecting nothing as we made our way deeper into the section of the woods that the bridleway cut through. It was now that my horse began napping (stopping suddenly and refusing to go forwards). My horse never does this, not even when she wants to go home; she only does this when she's spotted something that shouldn't be there, or she's spooked.
I tried everything to get her to go forwards: I used verbal aids and encouragements, I nudged her a few times with my heels, I gave her a couple kicks and then I tapped her with my whip and repeated this process a few times before she finally took a couple steps forwards, stopping again. Her ears were forward and not going back when I spoke to listen to me, and her eyes were set on something she'd seen - or was seeing - ahead of her. I decided to shut up and try and listen to hear if there was anything making any noises up ahead, and there was. There was a rustling sound in the ferns on the edge of the bridleway that separated the path and the rest of the woods.
The rustling sounded quite similar to the rustling human footsteps make when walking through heavy shrubbery. I recognised this straight away, but I decided to stay for a little bit longer; I hadn't got enough sleep the night before, perhaps I was hallucinating? Then again, what a coincidence that my horse was also reacting to what I was supposed to be hallucinating! The woods was quite dark, considering it was sunny outside, but the rays of sunlight couldn't reach the ground through the thick canopies of the old trees, so I was left having to squint to see into the distance. As my eyes adjusted to having to peer through the dark, I managed to make out slightly humanoid figures in the dark, slowly shifting around in the woods, though not towards me or my horse. They never even turned their heads towards me, so I don't know if they knew I was there. But I'd had enough, and quickly turned my horse around (she seemed grateful for that, and had finally kicked back into action).
My horse never bolts. She bucks, yes, and when I ask her to gallop she always goes pretty fast, but I've always been in control of her. But today, riding back home, I was not in control. She galloped all the way back home and, to be perfectly honest, I wasn't going to stop her from galloping home; I was practically shitting myself I was that terrified. That side of the woods didn't mount onto anybody's farm and, as far as I know, there is no public footpath that could lead THAT far into the woods.
To this day, I have never been able to identify what I saw. Those "people" in the woods did NOT look like people; they resembled them, yes, but they looked too tall and too lanky to be proper, well functioning people. I - and my horse - have been down that bridleway numerous times since, alone and in the company of others, and we have never had an incident like that again.

Hi all,
I've been planning this trip for a while and was really hoping to get some feedback on my itinerary. I have not been to Japan since 2000 and was a kid, spent most of that trip doing more low-key areas around where my aunty lived in Fujisawa (Yokohama, Enoshima, Kanagawa etc.) so now I want to do a classic golden route. It will also be my boyfriends first trip.
I recently had to stop taking my ADHD medication so my brain has become incapable of getting my shit together on this, so more than anything would love if people would kindly help answer the logistical questions and request for recommendations at the bottom of my post!
Trip is from 17th May until 30th May 2023.
Day 1: Tokyo
7.30am Arrive at HND, Collect JR Pass/top up Suica etc.
Travel to hotel (Tokyu Stay Shinjuku East side) to drop off luggage
· 10.30am - Shibuya (Circa 4 hours)
· Return to check into the Hotel for 3pm
· 4.30pm - Harajuku area (Circa 3-4 hours)
· Shinjuku for the evening/night
Day 2: Tokyo
· Ueno Park
· Akihabara - Arcades & Gachapon!
· Asakusa – For Sanja Matsuri - Daigyoretsu Parade
Day 3: Tokyo
· Central Tokyo/Ginza - Imperial palace, Tokyo station area and shops (Muji, Itoya)
· Ikebukuro - Sanrio, Pokemon Center, Animate, Moe Garden
Day 4: Tokyo
· Early visit to Meiji-Jingu if did not have time on Day 1
· Shimokitazawa
· Nakano Broadway
· Odaiba – Gundam, Daiba Itchome Shotengai, Seaside park, view rainbow bridge
Day 5: Kyoto
· Travel from Tokyo to Kyoto as early as possible
· Half-day in Nara (Circa 6 hours) – Nara park, Todaiji, Kofukuji,Toshodaiji and Kasuga Taisha.
· Check into Park Hotel Kyoto (Downtown area)
· Nijo Castle
Day 6: Kyoto
· Travel to Arashiyama (Circa 8 hours):
- Togetsukyo Bridge
- Bamboo Groves
- Okochi Sanso Villa
- Saga-Toriimoto Preserved Street
- Rakushisha Residence
- Tenryuji Temple
- Daikakuji Temple
- Gioji Temple
- Adashino Nenbutsuji and Otagi Nenbutsuji Temple
- Sagano Scenic Railway (If time)
· Kinkakuji
· Pontocho
Day 7: Kyoto
· Fushimi Inari
· Tofukuji
· East Kyoto/ Higashiyama/Gion areas:
- Ginkakuji (Silver Pavilion) > Philosopher’s Path > Taiho shrine > Eikando Temple > Nanzenji Temple > Okazaki Shrine
- Ishibe Alley
- Kenninji Temple
- Kodaiji Temple
- Kiyomizudera Temple
- Yakasa Pagoda
- Yasaka Kōshin-dō (Kongō-ji) Temple
- Shorenin and Chionen Temples
- Yasaka Shrine
Day 8: Kyoto > Osaka
· Travel to Osaka & Drop off bags at hotel (Namba)
· Kuromon Market
· Check into the Hotel at 4pm, then Umeda/Tenma areas
Day 9: Osaka
· Shittenoji if up early/or just skip depending on energy levels
· Shinsekai
· Namba area – Amerikamura, Dotonbori, Ema-Den, Rikuro’s
Day 10: Osaka > Hakone
· Check into Ryokan at 3pm - Explore, Bath, Rest
Day 11: Hakone > Tokyo
· Hakone loop
· Return to Tokyo for dinner, and check into hotel and chill eve/pack
Day 12: Tokyo
· Disney Sea
Questions:
- Day’s 6 & 7 are nightmarish and I’m struggling to plan/prioritise. What is achievable? What should be cut if needed? (Definitely keen on seeing more cute, odd, mossy shrines too as well as the beautiful main ones though if possible)
- Sanja Matsuri – Could anyone help me on how I best experience this? Where to be and when for the parade? How late do festivities usually go on this day after main parade?
- Is it better to travel direct to Hakone from Osaka, or travel back to Tokyo and transfer to Hakone to use the Hakone pass? Would like to book a romance car for return to Tokyo, when and where is the soonest I could do this?
Showa aesthetic/Kayokyoku music/cream soda’s – Anyone got any recommendations for some retro spots? Murals/buildings with this aesthetic? Cute café’s/Kissaten? Bars/clubs with this kind of music/vibe?
Would love people’s best Gasha/arcade/photobooth recs other than GiGO chain/Purikura (Harajuku) /Gashapon Kaiten (Akiba)

When I messaged her first, I asked if she wanted to kick it/smoke sesh. She agreed and we set it up for that following Sunday. The day comes and I msg her to confirm if we were still good to go out. At first she did try to bail saying that she didn’t have anything to smoke and that she felt “icky” from work, so maybe rain check. However I was able to convince her to go, saying that all she had to worry about was getting ready and that I would take care of taking stuff for our smoke sesh.
When I messaged her that I was on my way. She then asked if I could bring my dog ( I have a cute dog) and I said yeah. When I got to her place, she even decided to bring her dog as well. After that we went to a park near her house, walked the dogs for a bit, talked, and then stopped on this one bridge to smoke a joint. (One thing tho is that while we were talking she did mention her past (2) boyfriends. The first time she was telling me that she made fun of one for not knowing how to park (lmao). The other one I will say is a friend of myn and someone she still friends with. She just told me she hanged out with him the day before and if I had talked to him recently )
After that we decided to go get some food, so we dropped off the dogs at her house. Then we were driving around for a bit trying to find something to eat since a lot of restaurants were already closed and decided to stop at a small mall near her place. We walked around for a bit looking at stores. There was even a small arcade that we went into and were there trying to win a plush from one of the claw machines. After that we went to go get food. After we ordered we had gone into a store to see if she could use the restroom. While we were there, she had seen a poster for the new Mario movie and suggested that if it was out already we would’ve gone to watch it. So I said if she was down to go watch it when it comes out and she said she was down.
After we got our food, we went to this park she knew about that had a nice looking fountain/waterfall. When we got there we smoked for a bit, ate, and talked some more. When we were ready to leave, I asked where to now, and she said home, so I took her home. As we were getting to her house, she actually straight up told me that she tried to bail on me but that shes glad she didn’t and that she had fun. And that if I wanted to sesh again to just hit her up. When I was dropping her off, after she had said bye to my dog and everything she looked at me, and I guess she got nervous and gave me first bump hand shake.
A couple of days later I had msged her again if she was down to get some food. She replied saying that she was too broke to go and that she was sorryyy. I told her since I was the one inviting that I would pay. She has yet to reply to that.
And that’s pretty much how the first date went. I know this might seem childish but I really like this girl and don’t wanna mess it up with her
TL;DR! - i don’t know if the date went good and if I should still try with her because she is sending mixed signals.

Hello everyone,
Almost two months ago, my ex of 5 years dumped me. We’ve broken up before around the 3 year mark and we got back together within a month. This time it’s real. I’ve been struggling, especially at the start of things. But slowly it’s been getting better. Coach lee’s videos have been helping me tremendously and I’ve been hanging on to hope that one day she will reach out to me. For those that take the time to read this I really appreciate it.
I begged her at the start of the breakup to take me back, which obviously didn’t work. Then I started NC for roughly a month. She lived with me about 3 years (the other two were long distance) so a couple of weeks ago she had to come to my house to get the rest of her things. We talked a bit before she left and I couldn’t help myself but I poured my heart out. There was crying on both sides, mostly me. What also confuses me is that she packed her bag with a picture of us (she was hesitant putting it in the bag, out, in the bag, out). I feel like she took it for memories but also she took it just to make me feel better. For shits and giggles, I also snuck a lot of pictures, poems, etc in her bags that she didn’t know about. During our talk, it struck me odd because she talked about taking each other off social media. Basically saying it would make her mad if she saw something of me and another girl or if I saw something on her social media. And that her friends were so shocked to see her still having me added on everything. I actually took her off of IG and Facebook a couple of weeks ago. She still follows me on Instagram but I don’t follow her. And we have each other added on Snapchat.
She’s moved into an apartment downtown and signed a yearly lease. I know I’m in this for the long haul most likely. But I still have some questions about everything that hopefully some can answer: 1) she still has some stuff of mine that I need back. While this isn’t urgent I do want them back eventually. I just want to continue NC. When do I reach out for this? 2) Overall, let’s say it’s been 8 months of NC. When do I start actually making effort to contact her? 3)I downloaded hinge and tinder and have met some girls. I thought about putting stuff on my Snapchat stories, etc. is it a good idea? For example, I’m talking to another girl who has a dog. I thought about posting a picture of our dogs on a Snapchat story to add to that “mystery”.
We both went together to a golden retriever breeder to get my dog (he’s my dog but she went with me. And she loves him too; I feel like I have that going for me). She actually cried when she hugged him and said by before she left.
Any opinions would be appreciated. I know it’s going to take her to reach out to me. To me, I feel like with everything it looks like she’s just out to test the waters. We have SUCH a big history together dating back to 15 years ago. Also, we ended everything on a friendly note. She basically said we aren’t good for each other and our communication is off. She needs someone to give her words of affirmation. I certainly could have been a much better man to her. I truly could have. But it may be too late to show her.. it’s only been about two weeks of NC since the last time I saw her

My family unit is essentially five people, myself, a 30 year old man, my older sister 35, our biological father, our younger step sister, 19, and our step mother.
I have issues with my older sister. Every time we're together there's inevitably a conversation that leaves me feeling horrible. I feel insane, like some part of me is convinced that I'm imagining it, or overreacting, ruining everything for everyone.
The most recent situation went like this, at a family gathering the day after a wedding, with my partner, a wonderful supportive person, my older sister talked to me about my relationship with a semi estranged biological mother that I have worked to repair a lot of damage from over a decade and a half from a divorce. Her tone was accusatory, the conversation had started from a comment I had made about how genuinely I had enjoyed time feeding animals on my mom's farm, and how I was excited to bring my partner along someday.
she starts with a "mom thinks you hate her", bad enough on it's own, I reply, slightly stammering, like someone deeply unprepared for the line of questioning I was heading into "I don't think mom thinks I hate her, I know I don't visit enough but-"
"then why don't you visit more, she thinks you hate her"
"I know I should, it's just a really, really, long bus ride and-"
"why don't you rent a car? You're an adult"
I am an adult, we had just spoken earlier, as a family several hours ago, about my difficulty finding a job after being laid off in January. She has labeled me as a hypocrite: How can a socialist have a new phone? I have never insulted her profession, lifestyle, or income. I had mentioned a savings account I could live off of, money I had been saving for years to maybe someday buy a place to live. Privately I ask myself if hearing this set my sister off, or just knowing that I spoke positively of Mom. Privately I tell myself I should’ve known this would happen, and it is my fault for stepping onto the landmine that takes my leg. My family would agree.
"It's still a long drive. I honestly wish Mom would visit sometimes"
"It's only 2 hours, that's not a long drive and you're making excuses"
"2 hours is a long drive for m-"
"No it isn't"
My expression changes. After a shockingly, inappropriately, short amount of time, sooner than I could say a word, my sister immediately says "what? What are you glaring at me for?" And offers a vaguely remembered taunt about me being angry. My sister has a decidedly aggressive manner of speaking, a tone which causes many sentences to be spit with a venom that says "you ruin everything", and a speed that very rarely allows anyone else to finish a sentence. Family members claim she maybe cannot help this, I am not sure I agree. My partner has witnessed all this and is aghast, stunned at the swiftness of the verbal pummeling I’ve taken.
My partner and I decide I need to go outside and get some air. As I leave, I can hear my older sister offer an explanation to my step mother "he just gets really mad at me all the sudden".
Mom visits me about once a year, I visit her once or twice a year, usually overnight. This is more contact than we've had in the past. I talk to my Mom, she doesn't think I hate her. We have less issues than ever, I value my relationship with her so much as I get older, taking my original family less for granted, and excitedly sharing the new music I create with Mom. She's not the biggest fan of the genre, but her appreciation is fun. It's still a sore spot, for who wouldn't it be? I can't functionally imagine a situation in which my sister, or anyone, doesn't know this will make me, or anyone, emotional. In fact, I think it transcends a personal emotional effect: this is rude. It's purpose is to inflict pain. If this is the story of a repeating cycle, one that always starts the same way is it foolish to think this?
Would I even feel the same way about this if it was a one off situation? It's impossible for me to imagine one single instance of conflict, the full picture a pointillism of antagonization. I could offer a hundred of these conversations up for observation, it would not make a difference, in all of them she would simply be confused. "He just doesn't like me" she mused "for no reason." I am so aware of my actions, so deeply committed to kindness. Outside of this small sample size, it is the first trait about myself many people would point to. In a survey, my family and the outside world would have completely opposing views of me. This dissonance causes so much unpleasantness, a tear in the fabric of conscious.
I walk outside into a forlorn state, a fortune teller with a gun to their head, Nostradamus in khakis, and I detail to my partner the events that will transpire the rest of the weekend. "I'll try really hard to bottle this up", I tell her, "but whatever happens: this is my fault". My partner asks why I don't just talk to my parents about it more. "It doesn't matter, the problem is me becoming emotional." My partner is in disbelief, unable to accept anyone could repeatedly witness these events and feel this way, I am assured “I cannot fucking imagine anyone in my family treating my little brother this way.” I believe her. I look down and say "Negative peace" to the ground, my sentences coming in partial fragments.
I couldn't speak, and sitting outside the gathering I see my step mom. She asks what's wrong, I reply, she says "I see" and goes back into the party. Later on, it torments me that I tried to share this with her and neither her, nor her daughter who I consider very close, could talk to me. Myself and my partner shut ourselves off from the group, a fact that will be thrown into my face like dynamite, choosing to hang out in a bedroom. No one has acknowledged any event to me, choosing instead to make a conscious decision to enjoy life with my older sister, who has turned on a dime into politeness and charm with our shared family. Knock on my door. All of them must know about the event by now, I’ve told my step mother and it's happened before, so many times. It’ll always happen, what good is me explaining it again? Accused of "closing them off" I maintain: I was just down the hall. It wouldn't have made a difference, my step mother works hard to remain impartial.
I felt like I could see the future. What always happens, happening again. Eventually I'll talk to my father. I can't help it, it's very hard to contain, her words can cut me so deep. And every time he acts like I'm a rude jerk for being upset. I don't need him to intervene, I've told him this when I apologize for being upset, I would be so helped by even condolence. I've been begging at this altar of paternal affection, I'm here to tell you: there is no God.
During a family dinner a year or more ago, the five of us, my sister complained about anxiety symptoms and I offered a suggestion: a combination therapy and anti anxiety prescription. I'm not a doctor: I was sharing it along with the information that it had worked for me, the first time I had told my parents I had even done therapy, frowned upon by our folks, I thought this offering of information would help ease her fears about seeking treatment.
She responds, loudly and in tears "I don't need therapy, I don't have anxiety like you, I'm autistic you fucking asshole"
She has used "autism" as a get out jail free card many times. Several members of my family are, some more severe than others. My cousins are deeply affected, most of the time choosing not to speak although when they do they can be very sweet. Her diagnosis came much more recently, a response to her seeking out a doctor after self diagnosing herself from the internet. The others are not as cruel, and I have never heard it used as a defense.
Growing up I had my own issues with mental health, I used to frequently become so terrified I'd vomit at different triggers. Planes, boats, a school bus, barfing away in near constant terror. Unable to peacefully sleep for weeks every time I learn something new, scared my appendix will burst and I'll die, scared my tonsils will fall down my throat and I'll die, I beg my parents to take me to have them removed. Not a normal thing, I now realize, I wonder if it matters. Diagnosed by a doctor with Generalized Panic disorder, ironically many, many years before my older sister would discover the hit and run potential of "you can't blame me, I'm autistic."
She cries and goes upstairs, the dinner continues silently. I ask my father if he thinks that reaction was warranted and he has little response.
He claims he did not hear it. A bold excuse, maybe he had a mouthful so I try to jog his memory. I feel like a psycho, being forced to detail a conversation that is still actively happening, that we were all a part of. After I tell him about the part where she calls me a fucking asshole, he demurs, and asks why I thought that wouldn't make her angry. I explain again, now for the third time, about how I only recommended she could try something based on a deeply personal experience that I also had, adding on this time an explanation about how the shared process of opening up typically inspires trust and brings people together. I do not feel this needs to be explained, but I gave it a try. I am emotional, upset, not hysterical, "I don't know, you're being dramatic." He says "Besides, I don't know what you want me to do."
I don't know what you want me to do. I've heard that sentence a hundred times, he simply cannot imagine "doing" anything, no action, no word, not a thought of participation into the conflict that has dominated every family event since time memoriam. "Try something" I say every time, like a wind up toy. The solution can not come from me, because then he can do it sarcastically. It's happened before. Words of comfort delivered with the trademark eye roll, a pat on the back given behind a snicker. I have told him this, how a simple "I'm sorry about that and I don't think you deserved it.'' would be an entire world.
This most recent time, after the conversation about our mother, I found myself in such a depression, I didn't speak for the rest of the day and just kept my head down in my room. Later I am informed this is offensive behavior.
The next morning when she was out I said something, I could feel my blood pressure rise and my body tense as it almost unwillingly slipped out of my mouth.
"[Sister] lectured me about mom"
My father immediately and angrily comes to her defense with a “You shut yourself off!” always playing the hero for his daughter, the problem is my reaction. The eye roll I received made me want to die. Complete rejection, disappointment in a look. He immediately assumes the offensive “You were in your room all day!” he says angrily, "You do this every time”. He looks appalled, enraged even. I was a door away, an act more offensive than anything, if you ask him, and he is unable, maybe unallowed, to knock on a door. Did my step mother inform him of our conversation? He was so prepared for this. “Why do you have to be all moody?" He sneers. But I've told him why, we had this conversation today, 8 weeks ago, 4 months ago, a year ago, 2 years ago. We have this same conversation, me and my father, and when he responds he always says "I don't know what you want me to do" I say it together with him, in unison, to make a point. It would be easy to just put an arm on my shoulder and say "I'm sorry that happened to you" but it never happens, the point is clear: I am being disruptive, and that itself is the problem.
My father is an Olympic champion of dismissal. On one family trip I was having a hard day, my older sister making many repeated small comments, criticizing looks, intelligence, morality and integrity. A hundred tiny knives. My parents, father and step mother, pull me aside to tell me that it's because in the conversation over breakfast I had referred to myself as the "athletic child" and that she had taken offense to that, she thinks I called her fat. In context, my comment earlier in the day was a joke to my family: "I got all the athletics genetics" I had jested in self deprecation, after all I had a couple semesters of high school tennis and I enjoy jogging. We were a trio of very nerdy kids, none of us able to throw or catch a ball. Two theater kids and a jazz guitarist. It's not a sore subject at all, historically, and it was said with appreciation, recognition of an obvious similarity we all share. I'm skinnier than my sister, we do not have the exact same build, but I didn't think she's overweight and I have never, ever, in my remembered life made a comment about it, disparaging or not. The idea of whether or not it's appropriate to torment someone all day for this slight is never raised, instead we pick apart what I said and I am left over explaining my comments again. Later, my sister shouts at me, red faced, as I am in line at an outdoor restroom "Owen! Move! You are always in the way!" My crime? There was a person behind me and I was taking too long to figure out the coin operated bathroom door (you have to put the coin in the slot. Still, rare to see, and not at all obvious to an American. I probably would've figured it out soon enough). Privately, away from the group but unfortunately with my father, I become upset by the days events and let slip a phrase in anger "shes been yelling at me since high school", a strategic blunder as my father can now pretend I'm actually angry about something that happened in high school, and he can successfully play it off as A, a ridiculous long time grudge that I'm being horrible and holding onto and B, denying knowledge of the situation. He tells me I should "save it for my therapist". It is extremely hard for me to square the reality that he thought I was simply out of blue cranky about something that happened a decade earlier, impossible to believe. "Save it for your therapist" became gasoline on a fire, and I will end up leaving this vacation early, constantly reduced to a single, lonely method of defense when allowed no other quarter: Fucking run.
The situation reminds me of another one, at a Thanksgiving just a year ago in which my step mothers brother is complaining about how raising the price of minimum wage will make burgers cost more, delivered as what seems to be a joke, although a miserable, unfunny one. I offered a reply "I guess you can afford to eat less burgers?'' I am told later, after I've left, totally unaware of any offense caused, he exclaimed a desire to punch me in my face for this comment. I do not think of this man as fat, he is larger than I am, significantly taller, with large hands. I think about how I too could get away with things if my physical size were imposing, impressive. I apologize profusely to my step mother, offering to call him up and formally apologize, told it's unnecessary. The idea of them all sitting in a circle, nodding politely at the punishment they think I deserve has haunted me since. I am never told of a word offered in my defense, despite again: I have never made a disparaging comment about anyone's weight. When I was a very young teen, I laughed at a magazine cover: “Addicted to food” it said. “How can you be addicted to food?” My twelve year old self sneered, “Dont you need it to live?” My step mother has struggled with weight and the face she made at hearing this, wordlessly and momentarily, was a memorable moment, a lesson a young child learned to not make comments like this. I never forget anything. I dropped many judgmental words from my vocabulary (words that were, unfortunately at the time, very common) decades ago because of her good influence. It does not matter. I am the thinnest dog in the pack, and so what I say is a slight to your unspoken insecurities.
In the most recent situation, my sister gets back and the conversation is dropped completely.
I am not addressed by any member of the rest of the group trip, besides my always loving partner, who my family talks past me to speak to about anything casual. They are stunned, I'm sure, that she's with me, an embarrassment. Privately she tells me that she finds their behavior, taking care to make sure she includes everyone, "repulsive", or perhaps "appalling" was the word, and it does bring me comfort. My dad waits a few hours to ask me a casual question, an attempt to paint over the previous conversation that opens me up from my quiet anger, his desire for me only extending to when I can behave. I respond in quiet, defeated, embarrassed, agonized, impotent anger "that's what you have to say to me?" And he resumes his previous eye roll. He takes the same dismissive voice "oh, you're still upset." He walks over to my partner and attempts to talk to her about something inconsequential, she is stunned at his flagrant mistreatment. That he would be bull onward, utterly unmoved by the days events as if determined to do this with the most collateral damage as possible: only as long as every wound goes to me.
I simply have lost the spirit of it. My stomach and back feel tremendous pain from the stress, I go nearly comatose. I can't eat, I can't hold onto water, and I spend the rest of the day shivering in the bedroom of an air bnb, being held by my supportive partner, waiting for our flight. I am in emotional ruin, I've explained it to them so many times I've lost count: every time this happens I feel the effects worse, like it kills a larger part of me. I want to stop dying.
My partner and I avoid talking to them. I have nothing to say. I look at my father like a stranger, so indifferent to anything, so willing to plead ignorance "how was I supposed to know you were being upset" He'll say.
We call an Uber and move to sneak away, heading to the airport to put distance between us and the show. I make a weak goodbye. "That's sad" my father says, barely looking up. Offered with no context, I am once again running away, ruining a family dynamic that without me is joyful, and bright. It has been made clear once again "bark, dog, you will only get hit." My older sister has said nothing to me since the incident. Is she gloating? Miserable? Secure in her victory or is it eating her alive? My younger sister too, says nothing, and I feel deep guilt about how much this hurts me. Is she too young? At 19, would I have blamed me?
My step mother steps up, finally ready to take action after years of silence, she makes her move. For a second I allow myself the optimism of thinking she’ll offer any word of solace or defense, but shes not the jury member I always thought, just another prosecutor. I ask her if she, as well, is mad at me. "You're a selfish, spoiled child who doesn't deserve any of this." my step mother says. Finally, we agree on at least one thing.
I have crossed the state in a historic blizzard to take care of this woman's pets after her original sitter, my younger step sisters boyfriend, had to suddenly leave them adrift mid vacation, with no one to feed the dog and cat, in the middle of a blizzard that delayed the trains by hours. As I wait for the thrice delayed train I play over my desire in my head: I will help them and they will know I’m good and then they will treat me differently. I do not speak of it.
They sit on a tropical island singing my praises, and it brings me nothing but internal conflict, how could you say these things and also feel the way that you show through your actions?. “You're the greatest, Im so proud of you” my step mother says from a tropical beach, my thermometer reads a cold negative 16 as I take out the dog. She later buys her daughter's boyfriend a car. They put a down payment on my older sister's house. I'm spoiled, they have done the pitiable charity of including me. I tell her I never want to hear from her again. You won't, she responds. I offer a final Fuck You, she returns it. I leave. She'll return to work next week to a classroom one of my truest and deepest friends has been taking care of, she had to ask me for his number. He describes her remedial teaching job as "incredibly easy, lighter schedule, less students, no lesson plan." compared to the usual substitution. Later, her own mother will take her to Indonesia, again. They go on trips to a tropical island every year, oftentimes more than one. I even got invited once.
I do not offer this sentence, full dissolution, lightly, nor commonly. It is not the chorus of these events, but a recently added and seriously taken bridge. I understand the pain of being disconnected from family all too well: my father's father has disowned him, and myself, in a letter addressed to "resident". It is an early, defining memory of mine, hard to place on a timeline, decades ago and a small child. I was too young to understand the reasons, if there were any, but I remember my rudeness was written. Problem child since birth, always and forever. Born “resident”.
The only times I've brought it up, separation, come after equally miserable conversations. It came from me as an offer, a plea that I have to, in any way I can, claw away from this misery that eats me alive. My step sister is young, and I feel deeply badly for her, but she is her mother's and has her own issues. She would list them off for you: "Depression, anxiety, PTSD from my father, gluten allergy." PTSD to my left, autism to my right. I am adrift in a sea of mental health experts with magnifying glasses pointed at my face in chorus "what the heck is up with you? I don't get it."
I've never felt I had the strength to follow through on it, for I am so needy. I despise my weakness immensely, that I crave their approval, the comfort of something I'm so held at arm's length away. The last communication with my father was a request that if we were ever going to speak again it would be with a licensed therapist present, but I'm cautious. Why arm them with that? It feels like something that would easily backfire, they’ve practiced their response to everything here so shockingly often I can recite the script. Do it in front of a total stranger, easy. And they’ll be given the vocabulary! “We’re sorry if you feel gaslit”, they’ll say, “but you're a spoiled child who doesn't deserve any of this.” They’ll then find factual inaccuracies, sputtering “technically, the island is almost a whole degree north of the tropics” anything that lets them believe the issue isn't the obvious, gigantic one that we can all see. Clipping the hairs around your brain tumor so you can do your bangs in the morning. Putting the turn signal on while your car hurtles off a cliff. A spoiled child, I wrack my brain to think of what they’ve given me other than reasons. The other way, the easy way out, seems so kind in comparison. My father, his father, the uncles, aunt, cousins who no longer contact. My father himself being the youngest child from the first marriage confuses me, did he feel like this? Is there am ugly streak in my DNA, reaching through time for generations? Will I too someday develop the same callus for someone that relies on me? His mother died, and his father remarried, and I remember thinking they were my grandparents in only my earliest memories.
I have in the past, unironically said my dad “Rules”, so good at being a homey it pains me more how much disinterest he has in being a father.
Now, writing this, here, it feels like a light. A chance for both parties to forgive, and heal, and not keep opening wounds and I think maybe I understand my grandfather a little. Maybe it's not unimaginable this would be for the best. I feel a giant void of longing in me for the family dog, a giant black Labrador named Link, who has had more love for me than most things on this earth. When I think about not ever seeing my family again, the thing that hurts most is never getting a chance to say goodbye to this beautiful, sweet creature. But other than that? The inside of me is greeted with a calm finality I have never known, and I feel the sweet release of sensing something is over.

Hi,
I had some issues buying GTA 4, so I ended up with 3 keys loool. Seller wouldn’t refund me, so I’m checking here if anyone would be interested.
I’m fine taking a small loss on the whole thing, so I’ll value each key at €15, unless anyone has any other offers.
I’m on xbox one. As for games I would accept in trade, I’m fairly open. I like open world games like Far Cry, GTA, etc, and couch co-ops.
More specifically, I’d 100% trade for any of these: Ghost Recon: Breakpoint Sea of Thieves Just Cause 4 Far Cry Primal Far Cry 3 Far Cry 6 Dead by Daylight Dying Light Assassins Creed: Odyssey Assassins Creed Valhalla Fifa 22 Watch Dogs: Legion Fallout 4 GTA V Rainbow Six: Siege
These should all be in the same price range. If you have something else, I might be open to trade and pay difference.