Right now, all I want is an opinion, advice, or just someone to read this and have their say!! I (18f) had been clean from sh for over five months. Im in a relationship with my boyfriend (26m) who has also sh in the past. After a confronting couple of weeks and I horrid day at work, I relapsed the other night and I’m in a new relationship with a man that I am falling for HARD and as far as I’m aware, he is too. We have had a relatively fast moving relationship and both have several kinds of trauma that affect us in different ways. (My trauma is still very relevant in my life) We have similar interests, similar goals in life and a similar sense of humour. We have fantastic chemistry and an amazing sex life; he respects me, is patient with me and has done many things to prove to me at this point in our relationship that he is not just fucking around and is very serious about me. He ticks so many more boxes but you get the point…
I had a couple of hours worth of a panic attack this night and after trying to go out and nobody reciprocating my attention, I turned my focus onto the fact that my boyfriend had not contacted me for quite some hours before and after he knew I had finished work and wanted to see him that night. I ended up contacting him after noticing his snap score go up while I was left on opened and told him I had messed up (because I did royally, on myself) and after a long conversation over the phone right after I relapsed, he told me he was coming over tonight to see me, cook for me, cuddle me, and make sure I was okay… He has been acting off and not messaging me the same all day, and after letting him know that I had finished work today and was about to pick him up, he let me know that he was going out drinking with the boys at his football club instead. I felt/feel shattered! How could he be okay doing this, how am I not a priority, how could he think this would help me?! I simply couldn’t believe this almost imperfectly perfect man would pull what I felt/feel to be one of the scummiest things a man could do, specially since I had previously called of a very personally important event to make sure he was okay after having a hard night and struggling emotionally to let me in. Anyway, I made him call me, almost ready to call it off, knowing I deserve better and to be a priority in my partners life; and to kind of sum things up, I explained how much of a choice I felt and how I deserve to be a priority and that I felt even more alone then when I initially relapsed. In response he told me this is how it was going to be if I do this to myself, that he feels heartbroken that I’ve done this to myself again, that it hurt him, made him feel like he wasn’t making me happy, like he wasn’t enough, and that he won’t reinforce me doing it again by giving me the best attention and showering me with affection when I do it. After an emotional conversation where we communicated clearly and calmly, I told him back and forth how devastated and hurt I was and that he was showing me that he didn’t care as much as he claimed, and his actions didn’t match up with his words. He explained to me he was sorry I felt this way and ended up saying how much I mean to him and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and that he wants to prove that I am the biggest priority in his life, that he has never felt like this for someone and just wants to be able to make friends being in a new town and wants me to have a life as well and reach out to friends. I explained how his actions showed none of that but we got to some sort of conclusion. We came to some sort of peace point in the conversation where he said he was planning on coming over tomorrow night, when I finished work early and didn’t work the next day, and we ended up saying our goodbyes; (me still sulking) I was/am still hurt after not contacting me again all night, but he left the conversation saying the words “I love you” before hanging up the call. he’s never said that before and I was left with my jaw on the floor and didn’t have time to reply. It felt like time stood still and now I’m so confused. We’ve had conversations where he explained how he felt about me, like he is in love but he is almost so scared to say that word because he’s been bruised by it so much in the past and doesn’t want to scare me away by saying it. (I assured him it wouldn’t since I desperately want to say it too) and he just said it. This is a big deal…
I hate texting, he isn’t good at texting and we both have ADHD. Communication when we aren’t together is always stressful for me specially since I have an anxious attachment style and am a chronic over thinker, and he seems to be a bit more avoidant, but when we are together or have a clear understanding in a space or on a situation, it’s golden and he feels like home.
Am I wasting time with a man who doesn’t care about me as much as I care about him? Is this a gaslighting and an emotionally abusive situation? Is he just stringing me along for sex and attention when he gets bored and lonely? Is he just being a bit of a man who needed time to process everything and I should cut him some slack? Or is this the kind of tough love that I need hear, to be able to pull my head out from my ass??
Please, I have no one to go too. If you’ve made it this far, give me something to work with, anything is appreciated at this point…

The amount of mental pain and cortisol spike I get from just a couple of hours after shaving is starting to take its toll on me.
Imagine having to shave everyday just to retain a youthful harmonious image of yourself because you are boyish and neotenous. Imagine the pain of still having a shadow after shaving because of your dark beard med swarthy ethnic genetics. Even after 6 rounds of laser hair removal, although some thickness has decreased, it's still dark, thick, and coarse overall.
Fucking cursed facial hair. Monkey genetics coming out on 90% of men after puberty. Literally your body trying to fuck you over. A sign of aging. A sign of death. The lucky few don't get any facial hair growth at all. But sometimes they are non-boyish and non-neotenous so they end up wishing for pubes to grow on their face to cover up their subhumanity.
I'm lucky enough to be mostly neotenous, but unlucky enough to have med bearded subhuman genes in me. On top of that I'm a poorboi. So continuing to get laser is gonna take more wageslaving just to afford. Fucking shit.
But fully eradicating this subhuman trait will not only ascend me to the next level, but will save me so much time in getting ready for anything.
Have to make a quick run to the store? No problem. I just get up and go. No shaving required.
Get invited to a night out? No problem. Quick wash and go. No fucking shaving.
Wanna take a selfie for Insta or FaceTime someone? Easy.

Fuck pubic hairs on face. I won't stop until I've eradicated every hair follicle on my jaw and mustache. I'm starting a holocaust against facial hair.

GAS THE BEARDS.

Like many here, her quest was bugged in my first playthrough. Five or six pucks remaining and the green bitch went total silent.
So I entered NG+ for the cool red saber. At every chance I got between main game objetives I tried talking to her to proceed the questline.
Aaaaand right after killing Rayvis…. jackpot! She finally spilled. Sent me to the fogged section of the mountain and there I encountered Vaslyn Martz. Easy.
After that, Jedha. I had to complete the invasion storyline and Cere’s death to open up the planet’s map and the hideout itself. Killed the bounty huntedroids in the desert.
So far so good and at every chance I got I would talk to her. Even before aligning the beam thingy that opens travel to Tanalorr, the final bounty was unlocked. Location: Lucrehulk Core. The whole ship/map was locked for fast travel and bounty hunters tried to sneak up on me at every level. Hardest part of the game, I would say.
Nice, real final one: Caij herself. I hadn’t set foot in Tanalorr yet or aligned shit and she was gone from the Saloon. So I encountered her, fought her, met Sarlacc’s food and the whole thing was finally done, trophies and platinum and all.
This is it. I hope it helps whoever was stuck like me.

A story I wrote a while back. (To put it more accurately, a year ago.) Submitted it for the college Magazine, and recently uploaded it to Wattpad. But it didn't do much. So I decided to just put it on here. Any kind of feedback would be appreciated.
Being the idiot I am, I'm not sure what genre to place it in. But I'd say it's an action - drama in a somewhat fantastical setting.
The Blurb is as follows:
"Undera night sky lit by two moons, a Witch loses her family, and begins to succumb to the dark, violent side of her powers - Bloodlust.
During this desparate struggle, she comes across a Bishop - a soldier of this city, whose sole purpose is to kill her kind.
Who is this Bishop? Will the Witch survive? And who am I, the being who wants to share this story with you??"
And here's the full story. I hope you enjoy.
Oh, what a beautiful night.
The two moons in an elaborate dance, one in the arms of the other as they glow amidst the darkness. Wouldn't it be a heartbreak, for the king to abandon his queen at the brink of dawn, leaving her alone and defenseless?
Of course, my king already had. Even worse, he might've even let the hunters on my tail. Just the thought sent shudders through my spine. My dear melancholy, I thought, you won't be here for long. "I've cried with you far too long. Perhaps I should send you with my lover, let his blood wrap around you while you sleep. Perhaps I should let his cries wash away all that you weep."
I wanted answers. But, a deeper, more primal part of me needed revenge. But if I wanted either, I needed to act fast. I was being hunted. The people of this world, they call us witches. They call us the spawn of the devil, to be hunted and burned alive. I know this isn't true, I remember my parents' faces as clear as day. Damn it, I wish I just had a normal life. I wanted peace, quiet. I wanted a happy life with my husband.
"You are desecrated by the demon himself!"
"Get out of my sight! Begone!"
The memory of Anton's words, curled in utter disgust.... They hurt. Once, long before this, I could almost see the smile on his face, taste the uninhibited love in his gaze, feel the steady warmth of his embrace...... And now... Why? Why, you.......... Why?
The question turned into a haunting melody, trying to tear its way through my skull with a violent cacophony, only to fade into a whisper drumming in sync with my footsteps, as I tracked him down through the shadows. Was he the answer?
Or just prey? A rat to devour?
That thought worried me. No, I-I didn't want to hurt Anton, but.... But he had done the same, was still doing the same. The streets were quiet, the houses all around closed shut. No doubt, there were hunters, the Bishops, tracking me down. But I had become accustomed to sneaking around without leaving a trace.
I wished, sometimes I could be one of those lucky women hiding in those houses, with nothing to fear but the outside. They could just stay in their homes and live the lives they wanted.
But, the increasingly manic voice from within spoke, you had that. For a while. How long did it even last, until he kicked you out and left you for dead?
My footsteps quickened seemingly running towards my prey. Or maybe, away from whispers that were becoming hard to deny. And then, I found him. Right there, in the darkness, all alone.
Ready to speak.
Or to die.
And all of a sudden, I felt my knife slide home. Blood, sweet and magnificent, rose in the air. Every cell in my body rose towards it, parched for a taste.
Just a taste.
I stumbled under the ferocity of the thirst, my will pushed to its limit to keep it under control. His life was fading out.
I had to... I had to look him in the eye. I turned him around, and it wasn't him. It wasn't him.
Oh god, it wasn't him.
It wasn't him it wasn't him it wasn't----------
"Ophelia, what the heck have you become?"
I slowly turned towards the source of the sound, knowing the horror on his face I'd be forced to see. There it was, but somewhere in the miasma of repulsive emotions.... Was it concern? Did my dear Anton still care? Did he still... still love?
Something fell on my thigh, soft, and warm, disappearing seeping through my dirtied clothes the moment it touched. And it was then I realized - it was blood. It was all over me, across my lips, on my hands, seeping into my fingernails. It was overwhelming me, wrenching sense and sanity away. Was it too late? Was I past the point of no retu------
The next moment, I realize I'm.... falling. Further and further, but I can't find the floor. I can't feel my legs, my arms, my mouth. It's as if every part of me except my soul has disintegrated, vanished into thin air. I look around me. There are so many like me. Witches, humans, the faceless, the feral. The victim and the criminal. They are all the same. WE are one and the same. I don't feel my consciousness fading away, but rather.... It bleeds, it swims around like a drop in an ocean, a single grain of pollen among thousand others flying away. It's coming all together now, fusing and joining and mixing with the others, and into the will of one great being. It's like..... Like the God accepting us into His womb, letting us be a part of His plan, and giving us one last gift- vision, His vision, to see the world as it really is............. And the ones we left behind in this world.
The process seems so painful - I can feel emotions that aren't my own, emanating from within me, while my own emotions are scattered over this pool of collective consciousness. It swirls and splashes around, slowly moving towards a source, rather than away. The closer I get, the lesser I remember about myself. I'd be concerned, unhappy even, weren't it not for the fact that along with myself, I could also feel myself forgetting the world I had lived in like an insect, while I dance around in the memories of others. It's all mine, and what's mine is also others'. There isn't an "I" anymore. There's just...... An ocean. An ocean of serenity. A desert, devoid of pain and suffering. An oasis of peace.
Just......Anton. Look after him, my Savior. And my----------------------
-Era Vulgaris-
Ah...... Another dead one coalescing into me. A woman, full of hopes and dreams soaked and squandered away by sorrow and hatred and envy. Don't fret, little one. You can rest now. Be in peace with yourself, and this broken world. Now, where were we? Ah, the woman finally lost it.
Her self-consciousness faded away the very moment that drop of blood dripped onto her tongue. What was left, was a husk of its former self, hungry for blood and power. I hated watching this, though I'd seen this a million times over. Even the part of me that was once that poor girl was undoubtedly horrified at what she'd become. It's okay, it's okay. It'll work out in the end. Trust me. Your loved ones shall come out whole from the other side.
Especially, I thought, if the Bishop beside him is truly who I think he is.
The word "Bishop" brought a bit of warranted concern to the residual piece of the girl, which meant I had to spend some more of my energy and attention to calm her down. So, I thought. Where were we?
The husk of the woman lunged for her former lover, only to be denied her prey by a sudden tackle to the ground. The assailant swiftly rolled out of harm's way, spinning around and aiming a rather large revolver right at her head.
"Freeze. Or the bullet goes in your head."
She didn't respond in kind. Instead, she... It. It, reminded the small voice that was once part of her, now just in pure disbelief at what she was looking at. It looked him dead in the eye, wailed its vocal cords out and slit its own arm, letting the blood spurt open all around her. The dead carcass beside her became her fuel, swimming towards and into heIt, as its own blood slowly morphed into clones of its own. All contorted and manic, just like the original. All at once, they converged right at the hunter, eager to churn out the flesh. One sneaky little figure, however, sneaked right out of sight and right towards its/ her husband.
Yeah, it was her husband alright. All these bright little memories sparkling from within the dark, right up until everything tore apart- Wait. Oh n-
A hailstorm of gunshots shattered the rain of noise that drenched the night. And just like that, almost all the clones were gone, fading into a cloudburst of blood from which they had risen. The husband, Anton, screamed, "The blood- it'll burn!!" But the hunter rushed through regardless, through the blood.
True to his word, the blood began to boil and corrode away all the protective plates and clothing, but the man himself was strangely unaffected. Rather, he became seemingly faster, as he kicked away the witch, the original form out, just a mere fraction of a second before it could rip out Anton's jugular. My heart was in my throat. Or at least, the newly assimilated soul felt that way.
I was more interested to as to how the Bishop appeared to have changed, as if a limiter on himself had been removed by the blood. As if a blind man had finally been given the path towards light.
By the time it could recover, the Bishop held the previous position once again- only this time, aiming at the creature's belly. That, is what I was worried about. The poor woman was pregnant when she lost control. "Now," he said. "Don't move."
The woman's soul suddenly began to wrench its way out towards her body, trying desperately to save its offspring, its child. Its only ray of hope. It took a considerable effort to keep her in control, much more than what I would once require. Well, I thought, all the more reason to let things go as they should.
Anton went to protect the thing that was once his wife, right up until the Bishop changed his aim towards him.
Anton paled, but understood the message. He returned to his previous position, his crosshairs pointed right at the woman's swollen abdomen, and waited for her to react.
She didn't.
She stilled, almost stuck between her primal urge as a creature of blood, and a maternal urge as a creature of warmth.
The hesitation was enough for the hunter to make a decision.
"Rest in peace."
The gun fired.
A single bullet exploded into a hundred smaller shells, penetrating the witch - not at the abdomen, but straight through the head. The man beside him just puked at the gruesome scene, unable to bear not just the brutality, but the heartbreak of it.
The hunter turned towards him. "Put yourself together. Besides, you put her in this situation."
The remark halted Anton from his state of disgust into a fit of near-violent rage.
"What? What the fuck do you know, you lowlife? You're the ones who kill innocent women for just the smallest suspicion of their nature. You fucker! Die in the womb you lived in you-"But, he couldn't hold on to it. Just couldn't.
Anton broke into tears, his guilt, his pain and his loss flowing down his face and falling at the cold ground below him.
It--It wasn't a nice sight to see. He cried, and cried, and cried, sometimes in reminiscence of the small moments that he'd shared with his loved one, sometimes in despair of the things he'd done. He could blame all he could, curse all he could. At the world. At hunters. At God. Even himself, but that would not bring his love back to life. It wouldn't bring his unbor---
A tiny, yet strong innocent wail interrupted his downward spiral.
"Anton. Your child." With that brief phrase, the Bishop laid a fragile infant in his arms. Crying, with hair barely formed, yet Anton could see it- It was her child. Her and his. THEIR child. But......
"IT's- It's a girl. Won't you-"
"Well, I think it would be rude of me not to turn a blind eye your way. I cannot see, after all. Besides, I think this child deserves a chance. For the mother who, in the throes of death, chose her child over revenge. And," he said, patting down the man's shoulder, "the pathetic man who still wanted to save his wife, even if she was no more. Now go. Get the fuck out of here. I gotta pick up the corpse and collect my payment. Oh, and, uh... What happened here, all of it- you don't remember a thing. Got it?"
He didn't need even the slightest of threats. The guy thanked the Bishop and, with the now smiling babe, walked away.
Another figure appeared from behind the hunter.
"Was that a good decision, Navy?"
A Faceless one. Quite devoted to the Bishop. His question held a tone of concern, but a sense of curiosity dominated his voice as he asked his question.
"Grayson," he said, placing his shotgun onto the floor as a walking stick, "I never overthi-"
"Shut up."
A careless shrug. "Alright. You got me. You want me to be honest? I.....see myself, as weird as it sounds. In that child, in that man. Even in the fuckin' witches. I kill them for a living, Gray. I wake up every morning to load a bullet carrying their name."
"You hate them. Simple as that."
"But a really small part of me..... It- I don't know, Gray. Sometimes all I do is say thanks to this stupid world we live in. A world where everyone wants to fall in love but there's no room for it, in the grand scheme of things. You know, it's times like these that make me glad. Better off believing in a dream world of love and peace, rather than knowing this nightmare of an era. An Era Vulgaris, if you will."
Indeed, in this we might just be kindred spirits. Hm... well, there's definitely a potential in him, to become what I need him to be in the future. I just.....
Well, I'll let this run its course.
After all, it depends on whether she can will herself a future worth salvaging. For there was another one spying on the hunter, another witch whose paths would cross with his. And that path would either fall in place like clockwork, or blow up every plan and contingency I'd made into smoke.
Till then, I guess it best to rest. Kick back and watch this Era Vulgaris consume itself in its vanity, and see if something will come out whole the other side. Rest well, Navidson.
And thank you.
Something settled, and that's when I realized the woman's soul had finally accepted its fate, fading into the primordial soup. Broken, scared and all bled out, and yet she put up a hell of a fight.
The human will is quite extraordinary, is it not?

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I am a Mythologist. It was a profession passed down from generation to generation and I've always been interested in it. The old tales my dad used to tell me about fairies, cyclops and big giant wolves always had me on edge. There was something he never spoke about however. That was giants. Whenever I brought up the thought of giants he would clearly change from cheerful to stone cold, Even fearful at times. One night my dad came home drunk, I could smell the whisky on his breath from 10 feet away. He was clearly in a state of panic as the only detail i remember vividly, Were his big eyes, They were almost black. When it was time for me to sleep I asked him for some tales and no matter how mad he was he always told me something I never had heard of. I miss those times.
He was telling me a story about an ancient fairy garden that produces dreams when I brought up giants. Without a single word he switched out the lights and left my room, Leaving me to soak in the eeriness of if he was mad or not.
When dad left I was around 16. He one day left for a journey to Ireland because they found evidence of something, I don't know exactly what it was but his notes suggested it was something to do with angels. There were very detailed illustrations of them and how they looked and it was completely different to what i could have expected an angel to look like. It had more then 2 legs, Wings were small like a baby birds but the most striking detail was the eyes. They had the same big black eyes like the night my father had when he was drunk. I crunched out the memory for the trauma it gave me. I felt uncomfortable looking at it.
When I got out of college I had a degree in mythology. I had a few friends who were interested but most either became something else or a partner field like Archaeology. One night i got a call from one of these friends. I'll call him Troy. He was clearly frantic as if he was in a hurry and asked me for help, Apparently on one of the digs they had found evidence of something that needed to be identified. My first and most obvious question was "Why would you need a mythologist for that?" He avoided it and said they could fly me out tomorrow, This was in Afghanistan but it was in a more desolated area. So i wasn't too fearful of potential threats. After some time of thinking i agreed and i was flown out no less then when the sun had fully rose.
When i stepped onto the dry sandy landscape of the country i was shocked. The sun was blazing so hot it felt like i would be reduced to ash. I felt uncomfortable and i moved to the spot where i was meant to be picked up, When the pickup arrived i hopped in and after a few hours of treacherous heat and sandy roads we finally arrived to a very large dig site. There were scientists, Journalists but most confusing of all? There were armed guards.
As i shuffled over Troy greeted me with a tight hug and gestured for me to follow him and so i did. We walked in to one of the many research tents and there were very old illustrations, books and more. But the one thing that caught my eye was a bottle that was waxed shut with a rolled up piece of paper. I looked at it and he caught my gaze and explained.
"We uh, We found this at the site, We think it might be a codex or a dating, If we are right and able to figure out what it says it could change quite a-lot about the history of this place, All the things we wondered could now be proven!"
Then i asked the burning question "Why do you need me then?" A massive lump formed in his throat as he walked out, Me trailing behind. When we arrived to the main attraction i couldn't believe what i was seeing. In this big rectangular like hole stood a skeleton. This skeleton was no less 12 feet tall and was almost 5 feet wide. I almost thought this was a joke or an animal till i saw the very clearly blue oxidized copper spear and massive iron brace in with the skeleton. Then the memories flashed of my fathers avoidance of giants. As a mythologist you don't actually think any of this is possible, It's mostly cultural study. By the time i had looked at this thing long enough it was very dark, Around 11 pm. So we all headed to bed. The only thing i remember thinking was "Is this real, Have we found evidence of giants?" And so i passed out in my own pool of thoughts.
When I awoke i heard lots of scampering chatting and most confusingly the sound of guns being loaded. I sprung out of bed rushing to see that the skeleton had disappeared. But even worse. So had Troy. He was absolutely nowhere to be seen, I heard people talking but i saw a crowd up ahead and so i followed. When I stood to see what they saw I was shocked. There were massive trails of clear drag marks but also. There were footprints, At least 4 feet in length. The drag marks lead into a valley of mounds and so we planned to follow them. Our main thought was that troy had taken the body and planned to sell it. When I went into his tent everything was clearly frantically thrown around as if he had scampered to get out of bed quick. But also, The bottle with the message was gone.
I ran out and I went with the group. Following the trails I started to become anxious, Fearful even. Something about this wasn't right. How could he have moved that massive skeleton out of that pit and not have made any noise, Never the less the weight. The spear and the brace was also gone. How was any of this possible. When the trail started to shift it went up a ramp like slope into the top portions of these mounds, They were around 100 to 500 meters tall. When we followed them we arrived at a cave and without any hesitation the group shuffled in. I stood there in shock, But before I could think my legs did for me and I moved in.
The first thing I noticed was the smell, It was rancid, Worse then death. But the second thing was the darkness, I had a torch with me but before I lit it i felt helpless, If I got lost in here without a torch I would never make it out, I would be forced to die slowly, Constricted by only the boundaries of rocky walls. When I lit the room I saw the group was a bit ahead and so I jogged to catch up, When I hit a loose rock and it bounced into the wall making a loud echo. Then we heard it.
Loud heavy footsteps came from the cave right in front of the group, The first thought was a wild animal and so a lot of us rushed out. When we made it we heard yelling and screaming, Then the noise started to muffle till it all stopped. We heard crunching, Slurping. The sound of a predator feeding on its prey. One of the very many armed guards quickly loaded his rifle and the sounds stopped. The footsteps slow this time came towards us and the guards immediately put there weapons up waiting.
A massive shape of a human formed from the darkness, From even that I could tell it was around 15 feet maybe even more. Then it emerged. From that cave a massive axe swung out striking one of the guards in the body and sending him off the mountain, There were no screams, He was dead instantly. The figure emerged and from what i saw will be engraved in my memory like a message. It stood tall, Its skin was a pale stark grey and its features were strict, It had black deep eyes sunken into its head far more then naturally should, Its nose was slightly cut off and it had horrendous scars on its face, But its mouth is what i remember the most. It had a grin with thousands of tiny razor sharp teeth and there were blood on them, It was primal, A supernatural being that should have not existed.
It wore bones with rags on it and it had a brace. It was wearing the body of what we had extracted, Like a trophy. But the final thing that haunts me was what hung off its body, There were twine ropes with body parts mounted on them like trophies, They were troys. The guards opened fire on the beast as it let out a deep gutteral roar, Almost like the screech of metal. I watched as it grabbed the closest person, One of the guards and without any trouble the beast squeezed, The guard turned to nothing more then a red paste and it dripped out of the things knuckles.
That's when I ran between its feet and into its lair. I ran and ran till i found where it had been hiding. There was a small cavern and there stood a bunch of dead grass, Sticks and other things. I don't know how this thing got grass in the middle of fucking Afghanistan but I didn't care. As I ran up to it i saw the message and I approached it. The bottle was easy to break and I thought in my last moments I would read it. This is what it read.
"To all who finds this. I am dead, I am not the body of the monster that has been found, I am rather the man by the name of Lucas Hitch-Wood. What you have dug up is a giant, A massive beast that resides in all places but is mostly known was fantasy."
Lucas Hitch-Wood was my fathers name. The note was in smeared ink and was clearly written in a hurry. I looked at the bottle and noticed something, It was an old whisky bottle. Everything finally clicked. He never went to Ireland. He went here. He knew they existed. As I said this more gunshots echoed and screams eminated from the pitch dark my torch couldn't luminate, In a hurry i ran to a wall and i saw something shiny. There was a watch, A silver watch which i recognised. It was my fathers. I saw bones scattered and i realized he had died here.
I sobbed like a baby till the shots stopped, I thought it was coming back then i heard my name being called. I rushed out to the see the beast had fallen, Dead. Its eyes lay open to reveal the same dark sunken voids I had seen moments ago.. That was the last i remembered, The black voids of that things eyes, Then i passed out, I awoke in hospital and was told i had suffered from intense stress which caused the fainting. As the nurse walked out 2 men in suits walked in. I had heard of this, The men in black.
"What you saw that day is something that very few have ever seen. We have contacted who you work for and have managed to get you a sum of money in exchange for sworn secrecy. A contract will be provided for this soon." I was payed 300 thousand dollars to be quiet about the horrors i witnessed that day.
Now when i walk around the streets i notice more black eyes staring at me, It's not long before i join my dad, The stress has been to much, I'm considering just taking a shitload of pills and dozing off in peace.
Be warned of the giants. They exist and they walk in plain sight.

I'll bet someone has put this out there but I haven't seen it. I'm including spoilers through the end of S2, so proceed with caution if you're not caught up.
So here's what we know for sure:
1) It's pretty clear that Lottie's not telling the whole story about Travis' death.
2) The part they showed (but she didn't tell Natalie) was her vision of Laura Lee, so we know that at that point in time, Lottie's visions had already returned.
3) Lottie had been tracking all of the Yellowjackets. We saw the files in her office late in S2, so it's entirely possible, if not likely, that she had access to Travis' banking information before that night.
4) Throughout the entire series, Lottie is constantly talking about spilling blood to honor the wilderness. Violence and primal carnage are a huge part of their spiritual connection to the wilderness, and human sacrifices via ritual hunting are the apex of it that what we've seen so far (Natalie/Javi in the wilderness, the hunt that kills Natalie at the compound, Lottie's hallucination of her psychiatrist that says "Does a hunt that has no violence feed anyone?")
5) This may just be cinematography, but when Lottie comes to after her vision of Laura Lee when Travis dies, he appears to be hanging much higher than the shot when we saw the button get stuck.
6) There is a lot of ambiguity between what is real and what is supernatural in the show, and that is definitely intentional. I think the mundaneness of Travis' death is acceptable to Natalie (and superficially to the audience) at this point, because that line has been blurred so much, but I think it's going to turn out to be something more sinister.
So here's my theory:
Lottie had a vision or hallucination and became posessed by the wildnerness/"it". She somehow came into contact with Travis, and kidnaps him. She take him to the ranch where he works and sacrifices him to the wilderness. She set up the candles in the symbol, and hanged him on the crane, all under hallucination. She has the vision of Laura Lee, and then comes to. When she realizes what she's done, she cleans everything up and runs, leaving it to look like a suicide. She then empties his bank account, because even though she's a spiritual healing guru now, she was still raised ultra-rich and the materialism she was raised in is still there (e.g. when she got irritated that there was maca root instead of ashwaganda in her morning drink and then threw it away).
There are definitely some holes in this theory, but I think it definitely fills in more than it makes. I still can't decisively figure out:
1) how Lottie and Travis got into contact in the first place... but I think the Natalie/Travis/Lottie spirit sex scene right before Jackie gets cooked might be a clue. However, that seems like a plot piece we're not meant to know until we know (perhaps a Lottie confession?).
2) what the note meant "Tell Nat she was right." I'm not ruling out that it wasn't even Travis who wrote it--it may have been Lottie or someone else.
3) how Nat's OD before rehab fits into the narrative. She said something about bringing the darkness back with them. It feels too relevant to the timeline of Travis' death to not somehow be part of this. Maybe Lottie knew she said that, and she (in her posessed state) wrote the note?
I'm curious to see what you all can fill this in with, or other ideas about what happened to Travis🤔

Glacier National Park was without wolves for around 50 years, until the 1980s when the Magic Pack, originating from Canada, established their den and gave birth to five pups in the North Fork region. With changing public attitudes towards wolves, the population within the park has thrived, and there are now estimated to be six to eight packs residing there…
—-
Day 93: Night of the full moon.
I found myself deep in the heart of the moonlit woods, knowing that the full moon's arrival would soon trigger the inevitable transformation into a creature of the night—a werewolf. Anticipation coursed through my veins, mingling with a hint of trepidation, as I stood there, bathed in the ethereal glow of the moon.
A mischievous smile curled upon my lips as I glanced down at my attire, a silent agreement forming within. I yearned to shed the trappings of civilization, to embrace the untamed desires that surged within me. With deliberate motions, I slipped off my dress, relishing the cool night air caressing my bare skin. The fabric fell away, leaving me standing there in a state of undress, adorned only in lacy undergarments.
Every article of clothing followed suit, an intoxicating act of liberation. Undergarments, stockings, shoes, jewelry—all were carefully hidden away, tucked within a secluded nook where they would remain safe and concealed. Completely bare, I reveled in the primal energy that thrummed through my veins, my body blending with the wilderness that surrounded me.
As the moon climbed higher in the sky, its soft light caressed my exposed flesh, awakening a deep sensuality within me. I closed my eyes, surrendering to the sensations that coursed through my body. The gentle breeze traced delicate patterns across my skin, igniting a tingling arousal that traveled from my fingertips to the very core of my being. Each breath I took was imbued with the intoxicating scent of the forest, a heady mixture of earth, foliage, and life that stirred a primal hunger within me.
A surge of irresistible force rippled through my body, shattering my bones and wrenching my human form into the primal embodiment of a wolf. The pain, initially searing and torturous, transformed into a beguiling blend of sensations ignited by the moon's alluring influence. Moans escaped my lips, muffled cries that merged with a symphony of pleasure unfurling within me.
With an erotic fervor, fur erupted from every pore, an eruption of tactile desire enveloping my being. My once-supple thighs and arms dwindled in size, reshaping themselves into sinewy limbs that exuded a primal allure. Waves of ecstasy surged through me, mingling with the fading echoes of pain, as my delicate human feet ground against the forest floor, yielding to an enigmatic metamorphosis. Paws emerged from my flesh, their texture a beguiling combination of rugged earthiness and the velvety softness of newborn fur.
Amidst this intoxicating transformation, my body underwent an erotic symphony of changes. My chest expanded, swelling with sensuality, as if inviting a fervent exploration of the uncharted contours. Teats formed, beckoning attention, a luscious testament to the untamed femininity burgeoning within me. Teeth elongated and sharpened, possessing a primal allure that whispered of wild pleasures yet to come. My ears, in a sensual act of rebellion, shifted upward, adorning my now lupine head with an alluring grace, attuned to the enticing whispers of the night.
A symphony of carnal delight enveloped me, my once-feminine grunts evolving into human howls of transcendence. Pleasure surged through my veins, a crescendo of desire echoing within me as my hips locked into a mesmerizing quadrupedal form. Helpless to resist the intoxicating pull of this metamorphosis, I succumbed to the alluring inevitability, my body relinquishing the constraints of bipedal existence as I gracefully descended onto all fours, riding out the waves of transformation with unabashed abandon.
And then, with a final surge of exquisite pleasure, my snout erupted from my visage. The sensations overwhelmed my senses, cascading waves of ecstasy that engulfed me entirely. The last vestiges of consciousness faded into a haze of feral allure, consumed by the overwhelming power of the beast within. I slipped into unconsciousness, lost to the world, my primal instincts and desires now liberated...
—-
Looking for a semi-lit to lit roleplay, describing an erotic romp for our heroine.
Kinks and Limits:
On’s: transformation, masturbation as it happens. Shame, that’s a big one when I lose control like I do when I change. Keeping the secret. Seeing others transform. Spreading the curse. Exhibitionism.
Off’s: bathroom stuff. Anything illegal. Extreme pain (without the pleasure of the transformation).
Looking forward to seeing you in the woods ❤️

My (28m) mother went out of town a few weeks ago and let me borrow her car while she was away. I live in an area where I don’t need a car, but since I drove her to the airport I kept it and used it to go to the big supermarket and stock up on stuff as well as to the waste center to throw away some bulky wood furniture. When she came back, she started asking questions about sounds her car was now making and sent me pictures of a ding on the back bumper. I didn’t hear any sounds or notice anything wrong with the car, and I definitely didn’t back into anyone or anything. She has a back camera for crying out loud, and it never once got into “dangerous beeping” zone while i had it. Again, I live in an area where I don’t need a car, so the parking is entirely street parking, so it’s just as likely someone bumped into me trying to pull out.
Since she came back, she’s been complaining and accusing me of ruining her car daily. She always complains about my choices and pretty much every conversation ends in her criticizing something. My girlfriend (28f) and I woke up this morning and planned to go to her house for Mother’s Day, which is tomorrow, but she asked us to come over today so I thought she wanted to celebrate it today. She texted me and I didn’t respond because I was in the shower, and not five minutes later she called my girlfriend to complain to her about how I never respond. When I called her back, she complained about how much the car repairs would cost her and when I mentioned we would be going back to our home tonight because my girlfriend has plans early tomorrow and my mom lives about an hour and a half away from where we live. My girlfriend could just not go at all, but my mom would complain about that too.
My mother got angry and told me it wasn’t even worth it to come at all if we wouldn’t be staying the night and celebrating with her tomorrow. I asked if coming one day early was really that important and she said yes and also she’s moving soon so she expected us to help her with that all day today. She then started yelling at me about being a bad son, all this while my brother is on vacation and is missing Mother’s Day entirely because he planned his vacation during my birthday a few days ago and Mother’s Day.
So, Reddit, AITA for trying to celebrate Mother’s Day a day early when all she’s done recently is complain about me and blame me for ruining her car?

Just need to vent. I get up at 4am to go to work, got home last night and around 8pm after watering the lawn, doing laundry, feeding the kids, taking the 2 year old outside for an hour to play, I am exhausted and trying to get the 4 year old into bed. My MIL comes in just as I am trying to get her changed for bed and shoved a facetime into her face saying it’s her aunt from boston and to say hi and “count to ten” and sing songs. She sees that my four year old has no undies on yet and looks at me , throws me a pair of her shorts on the ground and says put this on “no no no this is no good” . I go to help the four year old get changed then notice there is a rash and try to ask my four year old some questions while getting some cream and my MIL proceeds to go “nooo just put the cream! then she thrusts the phone at her face again and says “sing ABC”. At this point I am livid so I go to block my hand over her phone and say “that’s enough”. My MIL is clearly embarrassed and goes away. Five minutes later she starts shouting from the bottom of the stairs “GO TO SLEEP IMMEDIATELY! your mother says “ and mocks me. I am done.

​
Thirty-four years have passed since the June 4th anniversary. Although the Chinese Communist Party authorities have kept their secrets and prohibited discussion, there are still people commemorating it every year outside the wall.
But I want to say that the June 4th student movement was not "spontaneous by the masses", but a political movement initiated by politicians. Just like the Cultural Revolution was initiated by Mao Zedong, and the Fourth Five Movement was initiated by Deng Xiaoping, the June Fourth Movement was initiated by Zhao Ziyang to seek justice for Hu Yaobang and attack Li Peng, Chen Yun, and even Deng Xiaoping.
June Fourth was inspired by Deng Xiaoping's April Five Movement. Deng Xiaoping's inspiration for launching the April 5th Movement came from Mao Zedong's multiple student movements in 1966-68, or the Cultural Revolution.
Mao Zedong's inspiration for launching the 66-68 Student Movement came from the May 4th Movement. The May 4th Movement was actually a campaign initiated by Liang Qichao, Wang Daxie, and Lin Changmin against the then President Xu Shichang, the then Minister to Japan Zhang Zongxiang, and the then Minister of Communications Cao Rulin.
Liang Qichao launched the May Fourth Movement, which was inspired by the Boxers around 1900.
The reason why it is said that from the Boxer Rebellion to the June 4th Movement was manipulation by politicians rather than "spontaneity of the masses". These movements all have an essence. They are not opposed to the regime and strongly support the regime. They are only dissatisfied with certain specific issues. Issues are really just a matter for politicians.
Expressing support for the regime in the parade has a very heavy operational color. For example, the Boxer Rebellion’s slogan of “supporting the Qing Dynasty and destroying the foreigners,” June 4th’s actions of “supporting the party’s leadership” and “swiping away the counter-revolutionaries who stained Chairman Mao’s portrait with ink” all clearly showed that these movements supported the government.
This strange parade movement has been passed down. In ancient China, there was no concept of democracy, but it also paid attention to public opinion. That is what Confucianism calls "the people are the most important, the society is second, and the monarch is the least". "Whoever wins the hearts of the people wins the world." Theory.
So in an authoritarian era where there is no concept of voting, how do we reflect the hearts of the people? Of course, adjectives such as "auspiciousness" appearing in various places, common people "eat pots of pulp", "loyal to the emperor and patriotism" and "swear allegiance to the emperor to the death".
Of course, language is pale, in addition to adjectives, but also action. For example, the common people offered their most precious local specialties as tribute, and the officials wrote a persuasion form to express their loyalty with the sincerity of the tribute.
At least in the Han Dynasty, there were records of politicians forging public opinion to achieve their own goals. For example, when Wang Mang usurped the throne, people all over the world expressed their support, and there were various auspicious signs. These are obviously forged.
After understanding the tradition of falsifying public opinion, it is relatively easy to understand that the Qing Dynasty organized the Boxer Rebellion, Liang Qichao initiated the May Fourth Movement, Mao Zedong initiated the Cultural Revolution, Deng Xiaoping initiated the April 5th Movement, Hu Yaobang initiated the 1986 Student Movement, and Zhao Ziyang organized the 1989 Student Movement.
This is all in a place where there is no voting right, inciting the masses to create momentum.
Similar to this is the North Korean masses, who march against the United States at every turn, "spontaneously" for Kim Il Sung, and cry to death after Kim Jong Il's death.
In authoritarian countries without the right to vote, these masses incited by politicians are seen as "voting with action."
What is the real public opinion? In a democratic country, in addition to using polls to understand public opinion, of course there are parades to reflect public opinion.
It's just that in unmanaged democracies, people usually only march because of their own interests. For example, the North American truck driver parade is because of the vaccination mandate for the truck driver group and so on. The French demonstrations are mostly due to rising prices.
"Pro-government" marches occur only in authoritarian countries. The Boxers, the May Fourth Movement, the Cultural Revolution, August 6th, and 1989 were actually demonstrations in favor of the government. Because these demonstrations support a certain policy of the government and are controlled opposition groups. The Boxer Movement supported the government’s confrontation with foreigners, the May 4th movement supported the government’s external toughness, the Cultural Revolution supported the government’s (Mao Zedong) overthrow of Liu Shaoqi, the August 6th movement supported the government’s (Hu Yaobang) reform of the electoral system for people’s congresses, and the 1989 student movement supported the government’s (Zhao Ziyang) Discussing for Hu Yaobang is a step closer to suppressing "conservatives".
A truly uncontrolled demonstration will not be under the banner of "supporting a certain decision of a certain person in the government". Take Qing as an example:
In the Qing Dynasty, there were countless uncontrolled opposition groups before the Boxers. The early anti-Qing Fuming Triad Organization and the White Lotus Sect, Wu Sangui and other forces did not count. In the late Qing Dynasty, there were also Taiping Heavenly Kingdom, Xiaodaohui, Nian Army, Xinjiang Uncontrolled opposition forces such as the 70% khanate of Aquba and the so-called "Sun Party", that is, Sun Yat-sen's revolutionary party.
At this time, the Qing Dynasty needs to launch a mass movement so that the masses can find something to do and someone to vent their anger on. Otherwise, they might join some anti-government organization.
So the government took advantage of the desire of the masses to vent, organized a group of gangsters who practice martial arts, and made up some slogans to let these gangsters beat foreigners.
This trick was actually used before in Sanyuanli when fighting against the British. Mobilizing the masses to resist foreigners is an old routine of the Qing Dynasty. You can see the jingle compiled by the Qing Dynasty for the Boxers, "Red light shines, the world laughs. Kill foreigners first, then kill foreign religions" "God helps fist, boxers... demolish railways, pull wire poles, and urgently destroy steamers. Foreign devils, kill all Slogans such as "The Great Qing Dynasty will be able to unify the rivers and mountains" can be seen to be made up by educated people. At that time, the generation of farmers in the Yellow River Flooding Area in Northeast China, what kind of foreign religion did they know, what about steamships?
What foreigners endanger is the rule of the Qing Dynasty, not the peasants. You must know that farmers in normal countries protest, usually to protest against low food prices or land mergers and environmental pollution. In ancient China, it was fleeing famine and peasant uprising. The peasant movement, which took the initiative to support the government and help the government defeat its opponents, was the first of its kind in the Qing Dynasty during the two thousand years of imperial rule.
Farmers are farming in the fields every day, and they suddenly want to help the government against foreigners. Naturally, someone instigates and writes songs.
Nineteen years after the end of the Boxer Movement, when Liang Qichao was facing his political opponents, he suddenly remembered the Boxer's move to mobilize the masses. Therefore, students were mobilized to protest the Paris Peace Conference, and the May 4th Movement was launched.
In fact, students usually only protest the high price of food in the cafeteria and the bad food. Does the Twenty-One of the Paris Peace Conference have anything to do with students? Obviously someone provoked. If the students really cared so much about the territory, then Mongolia became independent, Manchukuo was established, and the Chinese Soviet was established, why didn’t there be large-scale demonstrations by students?
The May 4th Movement was quite a big mess, which left a deep impression on Mao Zedong, who was 26 years old at the time. He was addicted to rebellion and wanted to find an opportunity to engage in a movement like the May Fourth Movement all his life. So in order to defeat Liu Shaoqi, he finally imitated the May 4th Movement and instigated the 66-year student movement. It also has a nice name, the Cultural Revolution.
It was created by combining the New Culture Movement of the year and the creativity of the revolutionaries. The purpose, of course, is to defeat Liu Shaoqi. In fact, among those students who rose up to protest against Liu Shaoqi, how many of them could get in touch with Liu Shaoqi, why did they hate Liu Shaoqi so much? Of course it was Mao Zedong who did it.
While criticizing Liu Shaoqi, a Soviet cadre, he incidentally criticized Deng Xiaoping who carried out Liu Shaoqi's line. The students criticized Deng Xiaoping's younger brother, Deng Shuping, and committed suicide. His son jumped off a building and became disabled.
The student movement launched by Mao Zedong undoubtedly left a deep impression on Deng Xiaoping, so he also learned the technique of organizing the masses to "express public opinion", so he first wrote to Mao Zedong to show his weakness, and secretly cooperated with Ye Jianying, Chen Yun and others to try to launch a mass movement for revenge. The two political allies Chen Yun and Ye Jianying were carefully selected by Deng: Chen Yun offended Mao in the late 1950s when he launched an anti-adventurous movement, and his home was ransacked twice after the Cultural Revolution. Ye Jianying was criticized thoroughly because of the February countercurrent incident.
It can be said that Deng, Chen, and Ye belonged to the people who had been criticized by Mao Zedong and then came back to "make meritorious service". The three hit it off and imitated Mao Zedong's way of mobilizing the masses to launch the Fourth and Fifth Movement, trying to use public opinion to oppose Mao Zedong and the "Gang of Four". ".
As a result, the April 5th Movement in 1976 was broken up by Jiang Qing's mobilization of Beijing military police and workers with wooden sticks in just two days. Deng Xiaoping was defeated again. It's a pity that Jiang Qing and the others didn't see that Chen Yun and Ye Jianying belonged to Deng Xiaoping, which laid the groundwork for the subsequent crushing of the Gang of Four.
Next came the 86 Student Movement. In fact, Hu Yaobang Wanli thought that Deng Xiaoping was about to fight the conservatives to seize power, so he created a wave of "public opinion" to support Deng Xiaoping. Due to the huge momentum of the 86 student movement, Deng Xiaoping, who was unwilling to make a democratic transition in his heart, launched an action to criticize bourgeois liberalization without hesitation. In fact, it was criticizing Hu Yaobang.
The depressed Hu Yaobang died of massive myocardial infarction in 1989, so Zhao Ziyang organized a commemorative event for Hu Yaobang, imitating Deng Xiaoping's 1976 drama of using the dead to overwhelm the living. That is, the 89 student movement.
This time it was even bigger than the 86 student movement, so that in the end Deng Xiaoping had no troops to transfer in Beijing, so he could only put down his old face and send troops from other places to suppress it.
From the Boxers to the May 4th, from the May 4th to the June 4th, politicians manipulated public opinion time and time again, using the blood of the masses to achieve their political goals, which has to be thought-provoking.
The government's methods of inciting public opinion are also very similar: pulling one faction against another, compiling songs, leaflets, and big-character posters. Open one opening and close the others. The masses are limited to certain slogans and cannot oppose the government or someone in the government.
For example, the Boxers allowed you to kill foreigners but not to oppose the government, the Cultural Revolution allowed you to criticize Liu Shaoqi but not the party to criticize Mao Zedong, June Fourth allowed you to commemorate Hu Yaobang and even called for democracy, but you were not allowed to attack Chairman Mao or oppose the Communist Party, etc. You just have to think about it, whoever wrote the texts about helping the Qing Dynasty and exterminating the foreigners and distributed them among the people, and whoever wrote the texts commemorating Hu Yaobang took the lead in posting big-character posters in universities, you will know who is behind the scenes
We can say that most of the mass movements after the establishment of the Communist Party of China were not spontaneous, but belonged to the "controllable opposition".
The truly uncontrolled mass movements are the exile of the Dalai Lama in India, the repeated armed protests of the Uighurs, the armed protests in Shadian, Yunnan, the appeal of Falun Gong, the 315 incident in Lhasa in 2008, the July 5 incident in Xinjiang and a series of ethnic conflicts after that, To the recent Tonghaina family camp incident and so on.
It can be seen that these mass movements not controlled by the Communist Party are fundamentally different from controlled movements such as the Boxer Rebellion, the Cultural Revolution, and June 4th. The uncontrolled mass movement is more like a traditional peasant uprising, the Hui uprising.
With this understanding, when the next "mass movement" comes, you can simply judge whether it is led by some politicians or a movement not controlled by the government, and then decide whether to participate and how to participate.
It is not to say that the mass movement led by the government can only be used as a pawn. If you have a clear understanding, you can use it in reverse. The mass gathering of 100,000 people organized by Ceausescu is a good example.
And the recent mass movement to overthrow the government in Sri Lanka also illustrates the great potential of the power of the masses. If the millions of students and citizens had walked into Zhongnanhai instead of going on a hunger strike in the square on June 4th, perhaps the political situation would have changed long ago.

I'm stuck. I'm frozen in place. Voices in my head Fill the empty space. But there's nowhere to go, No path to follow. There's no one to guide me, No end to my sorrow.
But I write these lines. Perhaps a means of escape. Maybe they're signs That I'm just not ok. But I know I'm not. I've shared my story to a few. Do they know my pain? They don't. I just wish they do.
I write my thoughts. I share my affliction. Under the guise of my poetic discourse, Behind the mask of fiction. I see the world. It passes me by. All the life and colours, But only the grey catches my eye.
I question my existence, I push away the sting. But the end comes calling, Its cry makes my ears ring. I've tried not to submit I've tried to get away, I have the scars to prove it, A reminder that I lost my way.
There is no one left. No person to confide. They're all around me. But my soul has died. I've pulled them close. I've pushed them afar. But just one dose, And we're separated by the bar.
My love is lost. My dream is dead and gone. Everything is what it cost. There's no more ledge to hang on. My light faded to black. My heart broken in two. My mind is off track. You're gone. You know who.
But there you are. Everywhere I look. Your face haunts my every move. Your eyes tear into me with their piercing hook. I wish you were really gone. So I can move on. Find a fresh start. But that new someone cannot be found. Do you know why? Because you broke me apart.
But what do I do now? I broke my own rule. Here you are within my words. Forcing yourself back: so cruel. I won't let you win. But either way I lose. One way or another I'll break out. All I have to do is choose.
There isn't anywhere to go. I can only move a single step. Chess is the game of my life. I'm the king and you're calling check. But I know. Deep down I know That my opponent isn't you. My pain. My torment. My death row. A mirror stares back. It's checkmate in two.
A light has shone in a more recent time My hope once more restored. My life began its redemptive climb. My dream flew and soared. I move my piece. I escape the trap. My panics cease. Joy closes the gap.
But that was it. My final advance. A fatal hit. I have no chance. The wound opens further. The floor stained red. I am left with fervour. I acknowledge my final thread.
Is this the end? Should I send my goodbyes? I can no longer pretend; I can't conceal the sadness in my eyes. But my time is up. My mind is quiet. My thoughts are sound. I'm just tired.
As I write this rhyme, I think of what it means. I wish it was a goodbye. But it's more than what it seems. I open up my aching heart. I type away the hurt. I imagine my depart, But I'm face down in the dirt.
Was it all worth it? I think it was. I helped people, I hope. That at least meant something. My dream wasn't possible. I get that now. My reach exceeded my grasp. I hoped for that bright future. To let the light in. I asked for the day. But only the night replied. I wonder about everything that could be. Something that I can discern. But all I want. All I ever wanted...
Is to love and be loved in return.

​
Thirty-four years have passed since the June 4th anniversary. Although the Chinese Communist Party authorities have kept their secrets and prohibited discussion, there are still people commemorating it every year outside the wall.
But I want to say that the June 4th student movement was not "spontaneous by the masses", but a political movement initiated by politicians. Just like the Cultural Revolution was initiated by Mao Zedong, and the Fourth Five Movement was initiated by Deng Xiaoping, the June Fourth Movement was initiated by Zhao Ziyang to seek justice for Hu Yaobang and attack Li Peng, Chen Yun, and even Deng Xiaoping.
June Fourth was inspired by Deng Xiaoping's April Five Movement. Deng Xiaoping's inspiration for launching the April 5th Movement came from Mao Zedong's multiple student movements in 1966-68, or the Cultural Revolution.
Mao Zedong's inspiration for launching the 66-68 Student Movement came from the May 4th Movement. The May 4th Movement was actually a campaign initiated by Liang Qichao, Wang Daxie, and Lin Changmin against the then President Xu Shichang, the then Minister to Japan Zhang Zongxiang, and the then Minister of Communications Cao Rulin.
Liang Qichao launched the May Fourth Movement, which was inspired by the Boxers around 1900.
The reason why it is said that from the Boxer Rebellion to the June 4th Movement was manipulation by politicians rather than "spontaneity of the masses". These movements all have an essence. They are not opposed to the regime and strongly support the regime. They are only dissatisfied with certain specific issues. Issues are really just a matter for politicians.
Expressing support for the regime in the parade has a very heavy operational color. For example, the Boxer Rebellion’s slogan of “supporting the Qing Dynasty and destroying the foreigners,” June 4th’s actions of “supporting the party’s leadership” and “swiping away the counter-revolutionaries who stained Chairman Mao’s portrait with ink” all clearly showed that these movements supported the government.
This strange parade movement has been passed down. In ancient China, there was no concept of democracy, but it also paid attention to public opinion. That is what Confucianism calls "the people are the most important, the society is second, and the monarch is the least". "Whoever wins the hearts of the people wins the world." Theory.
So in an authoritarian era where there is no concept of voting, how do we reflect the hearts of the people? Of course, adjectives such as "auspiciousness" appearing in various places, common people "eat pots of pulp", "loyal to the emperor and patriotism" and "swear allegiance to the emperor to the death".
Of course, language is pale, in addition to adjectives, but also action. For example, the common people offered their most precious local specialties as tribute, and the officials wrote a persuasion form to express their loyalty with the sincerity of the tribute.
At least in the Han Dynasty, there were records of politicians forging public opinion to achieve their own goals. For example, when Wang Mang usurped the throne, people all over the world expressed their support, and there were various auspicious signs. These are obviously forged.
After understanding the tradition of falsifying public opinion, it is relatively easy to understand that the Qing Dynasty organized the Boxer Rebellion, Liang Qichao initiated the May Fourth Movement, Mao Zedong initiated the Cultural Revolution, Deng Xiaoping initiated the April 5th Movement, Hu Yaobang initiated the 1986 Student Movement, and Zhao Ziyang organized the 1989 Student Movement.
This is all in a place where there is no voting right, inciting the masses to create momentum.
Similar to this is the North Korean masses, who march against the United States at every turn, "spontaneously" for Kim Il Sung, and cry to death after Kim Jong Il's death.
In authoritarian countries without the right to vote, these masses incited by politicians are seen as "voting with action."
What is the real public opinion? In a democratic country, in addition to using polls to understand public opinion, of course there are parades to reflect public opinion.
It's just that in unmanaged democracies, people usually only march because of their own interests. For example, the North American truck driver parade is because of the vaccination mandate for the truck driver group and so on. The French demonstrations are mostly due to rising prices.
"Pro-government" marches occur only in authoritarian countries. The Boxers, the May Fourth Movement, the Cultural Revolution, August 6th, and 1989 were actually demonstrations in favor of the government. Because these demonstrations support a certain policy of the government and are controlled opposition groups. The Boxer Movement supported the government’s confrontation with foreigners, the May 4th movement supported the government’s external toughness, the Cultural Revolution supported the government’s (Mao Zedong) overthrow of Liu Shaoqi, the August 6th movement supported the government’s (Hu Yaobang) reform of the electoral system for people’s congresses, and the 1989 student movement supported the government’s (Zhao Ziyang) Discussing for Hu Yaobang is a step closer to suppressing "conservatives".
A truly uncontrolled demonstration will not be under the banner of "supporting a certain decision of a certain person in the government". Take Qing as an example:
In the Qing Dynasty, there were countless uncontrolled opposition groups before the Boxers. The early anti-Qing Fuming Triad Organization and the White Lotus Sect, Wu Sangui and other forces did not count. In the late Qing Dynasty, there were also Taiping Heavenly Kingdom, Xiaodaohui, Nian Army, Xinjiang Uncontrolled opposition forces such as the 70% khanate of Aquba and the so-called "Sun Party", that is, Sun Yat-sen's revolutionary party.
At this time, the Qing Dynasty needs to launch a mass movement so that the masses can find something to do and someone to vent their anger on. Otherwise, they might join some anti-government organization.
So the government took advantage of the desire of the masses to vent, organized a group of gangsters who practice martial arts, and made up some slogans to let these gangsters beat foreigners.
This trick was actually used before in Sanyuanli when fighting against the British. Mobilizing the masses to resist foreigners is an old routine of the Qing Dynasty. You can see the jingle compiled by the Qing Dynasty for the Boxers, "Red light shines, the world laughs. Kill foreigners first, then kill foreign religions" "God helps fist, boxers... demolish railways, pull wire poles, and urgently destroy steamers. Foreign devils, kill all Slogans such as "The Great Qing Dynasty will be able to unify the rivers and mountains" can be seen to be made up by educated people. At that time, the generation of farmers in the Yellow River Flooding Area in Northeast China, what kind of foreign religion did they know, what about steamships?
What foreigners endanger is the rule of the Qing Dynasty, not the peasants. You must know that farmers in normal countries protest, usually to protest against low food prices or land mergers and environmental pollution. In ancient China, it was fleeing famine and peasant uprising. The peasant movement, which took the initiative to support the government and help the government defeat its opponents, was the first of its kind in the Qing Dynasty during the two thousand years of imperial rule.
Farmers are farming in the fields every day, and they suddenly want to help the government against foreigners. Naturally, someone instigates and writes songs.
Nineteen years after the end of the Boxer Movement, when Liang Qichao was facing his political opponents, he suddenly remembered the Boxer's move to mobilize the masses. Therefore, students were mobilized to protest the Paris Peace Conference, and the May 4th Movement was launched.
In fact, students usually only protest the high price of food in the cafeteria and the bad food. Does the Twenty-One of the Paris Peace Conference have anything to do with students? Obviously someone provoked. If the students really cared so much about the territory, then Mongolia became independent, Manchukuo was established, and the Chinese Soviet was established, why didn’t there be large-scale demonstrations by students?
The May 4th Movement was quite a big mess, which left a deep impression on Mao Zedong, who was 26 years old at the time. He was addicted to rebellion and wanted to find an opportunity to engage in a movement like the May Fourth Movement all his life. So in order to defeat Liu Shaoqi, he finally imitated the May 4th Movement and instigated the 66-year student movement. It also has a nice name, the Cultural Revolution.
It was created by combining the New Culture Movement of the year and the creativity of the revolutionaries. The purpose, of course, is to defeat Liu Shaoqi. In fact, among those students who rose up to protest against Liu Shaoqi, how many of them could get in touch with Liu Shaoqi, why did they hate Liu Shaoqi so much? Of course it was Mao Zedong who did it.
While criticizing Liu Shaoqi, a Soviet cadre, he incidentally criticized Deng Xiaoping who carried out Liu Shaoqi's line. The students criticized Deng Xiaoping's younger brother, Deng Shuping, and committed suicide. His son jumped off a building and became disabled.
The student movement launched by Mao Zedong undoubtedly left a deep impression on Deng Xiaoping, so he also learned the technique of organizing the masses to "express public opinion", so he first wrote to Mao Zedong to show his weakness, and secretly cooperated with Ye Jianying, Chen Yun and others to try to launch a mass movement for revenge. The two political allies Chen Yun and Ye Jianying were carefully selected by Deng: Chen Yun offended Mao in the late 1950s when he launched an anti-adventurous movement, and his home was ransacked twice after the Cultural Revolution. Ye Jianying was criticized thoroughly because of the February countercurrent incident.
It can be said that Deng, Chen, and Ye belonged to the people who had been criticized by Mao Zedong and then came back to "make meritorious service". The three hit it off and imitated Mao Zedong's way of mobilizing the masses to launch the Fourth and Fifth Movement, trying to use public opinion to oppose Mao Zedong and the "Gang of Four". ".
As a result, the April 5th Movement in 1976 was broken up by Jiang Qing's mobilization of Beijing military police and workers with wooden sticks in just two days. Deng Xiaoping was defeated again. It's a pity that Jiang Qing and the others didn't see that Chen Yun and Ye Jianying belonged to Deng Xiaoping, which laid the groundwork for the subsequent crushing of the Gang of Four.
Next came the 86 Student Movement. In fact, Hu Yaobang Wanli thought that Deng Xiaoping was about to fight the conservatives to seize power, so he created a wave of "public opinion" to support Deng Xiaoping. Due to the huge momentum of the 86 student movement, Deng Xiaoping, who was unwilling to make a democratic transition in his heart, launched an action to criticize bourgeois liberalization without hesitation. In fact, it was criticizing Hu Yaobang.
The depressed Hu Yaobang died of massive myocardial infarction in 1989, so Zhao Ziyang organized a commemorative event for Hu Yaobang, imitating Deng Xiaoping's 1976 drama of using the dead to overwhelm the living. That is, the 89 student movement.
This time it was even bigger than the 86 student movement, so that in the end Deng Xiaoping had no troops to transfer in Beijing, so he could only put down his old face and send troops from other places to suppress it.
From the Boxers to the May 4th, from the May 4th to the June 4th, politicians manipulated public opinion time and time again, using the blood of the masses to achieve their political goals, which has to be thought-provoking.
The government's methods of inciting public opinion are also very similar: pulling one faction against another, compiling songs, leaflets, and big-character posters. Open one opening and close the others. The masses are limited to certain slogans and cannot oppose the government or someone in the government.
For example, the Boxers allowed you to kill foreigners but not to oppose the government, the Cultural Revolution allowed you to criticize Liu Shaoqi but not the party to criticize Mao Zedong, June Fourth allowed you to commemorate Hu Yaobang and even called for democracy, but you were not allowed to attack Chairman Mao or oppose the Communist Party, etc. You just have to think about it, whoever wrote the texts about helping the Qing Dynasty and exterminating the foreigners and distributed them among the people, and whoever wrote the texts commemorating Hu Yaobang took the lead in posting big-character posters in universities, you will know who is behind the scenes
We can say that most of the mass movements after the establishment of the Communist Party of China were not spontaneous, but belonged to the "controllable opposition".
The truly uncontrolled mass movements are the exile of the Dalai Lama in India, the repeated armed protests of the Uighurs, the armed protests in Shadian, Yunnan, the appeal of Falun Gong, the 315 incident in Lhasa in 2008, the July 5 incident in Xinjiang and a series of ethnic conflicts after that, To the recent Tonghaina family camp incident and so on.
It can be seen that these mass movements not controlled by the Communist Party are fundamentally different from controlled movements such as the Boxer Rebellion, the Cultural Revolution, and June 4th. The uncontrolled mass movement is more like a traditional peasant uprising, the Hui uprising.
With this understanding, when the next "mass movement" comes, you can simply judge whether it is led by some politicians or a movement not controlled by the government, and then decide whether to participate and how to participate.
It is not to say that the mass movement led by the government can only be used as a pawn. If you have a clear understanding, you can use it in reverse. The mass gathering of 100,000 people organized by Ceausescu is a good example.
And the recent mass movement to overthrow the government in Sri Lanka also illustrates the great potential of the power of the masses. If the millions of students and citizens had walked into Zhongnanhai instead of going on a hunger strike in the square on June 4th, perhaps the political situation would have changed long ago.

​
Thirty-four years have passed since the June 4th anniversary. Although the Chinese Communist Party authorities have kept their secrets and prohibited discussion, there are still people commemorating it every year outside the wall.
But I want to say that the June 4th student movement was not "spontaneous by the masses", but a political movement initiated by politicians. Just like the Cultural Revolution was initiated by Mao Zedong, and the Fourth Five Movement was initiated by Deng Xiaoping, the June Fourth Movement was initiated by Zhao Ziyang to seek justice for Hu Yaobang and attack Li Peng, Chen Yun, and even Deng Xiaoping.
June Fourth was inspired by Deng Xiaoping's April Five Movement. Deng Xiaoping's inspiration for launching the April 5th Movement came from Mao Zedong's multiple student movements in 1966-68, or the Cultural Revolution.
Mao Zedong's inspiration for launching the 66-68 Student Movement came from the May 4th Movement. The May 4th Movement was actually a campaign initiated by Liang Qichao, Wang Daxie, and Lin Changmin against the then President Xu Shichang, the then Minister to Japan Zhang Zongxiang, and the then Minister of Communications Cao Rulin.
Liang Qichao launched the May Fourth Movement, which was inspired by the Boxers around 1900.
The reason why it is said that from the Boxer Rebellion to the June 4th Movement was manipulation by politicians rather than "spontaneity of the masses". These movements all have an essence. They are not opposed to the regime and strongly support the regime. They are only dissatisfied with certain specific issues. Issues are really just a matter for politicians.
Expressing support for the regime in the parade has a very heavy operational color. For example, the Boxer Rebellion’s slogan of “supporting the Qing Dynasty and destroying the foreigners,” June 4th’s actions of “supporting the party’s leadership” and “swiping away the counter-revolutionaries who stained Chairman Mao’s portrait with ink” all clearly showed that these movements supported the government.
This strange parade movement has been passed down. In ancient China, there was no concept of democracy, but it also paid attention to public opinion. That is what Confucianism calls "the people are the most important, the society is second, and the monarch is the least". "Whoever wins the hearts of the people wins the world." Theory.
So in an authoritarian era where there is no concept of voting, how do we reflect the hearts of the people? Of course, adjectives such as "auspiciousness" appearing in various places, common people "eat pots of pulp", "loyal to the emperor and patriotism" and "swear allegiance to the emperor to the death".
Of course, language is pale, in addition to adjectives, but also action. For example, the common people offered their most precious local specialties as tribute, and the officials wrote a persuasion form to express their loyalty with the sincerity of the tribute.
At least in the Han Dynasty, there were records of politicians forging public opinion to achieve their own goals. For example, when Wang Mang usurped the throne, people all over the world expressed their support, and there were various auspicious signs. These are obviously forged.
After understanding the tradition of falsifying public opinion, it is relatively easy to understand that the Qing Dynasty organized the Boxer Rebellion, Liang Qichao initiated the May Fourth Movement, Mao Zedong initiated the Cultural Revolution, Deng Xiaoping initiated the April 5th Movement, Hu Yaobang initiated the 1986 Student Movement, and Zhao Ziyang organized the 1989 Student Movement.
This is all in a place where there is no voting right, inciting the masses to create momentum.
Similar to this is the North Korean masses, who march against the United States at every turn, "spontaneously" for Kim Il Sung, and cry to death after Kim Jong Il's death.
In authoritarian countries without the right to vote, these masses incited by politicians are seen as "voting with action."
What is the real public opinion? In a democratic country, in addition to using polls to understand public opinion, of course there are parades to reflect public opinion.
It's just that in unmanaged democracies, people usually only march because of their own interests. For example, the North American truck driver parade is because of the vaccination mandate for the truck driver group and so on. The French demonstrations are mostly due to rising prices.
"Pro-government" marches occur only in authoritarian countries. The Boxers, the May Fourth Movement, the Cultural Revolution, August 6th, and 1989 were actually demonstrations in favor of the government. Because these demonstrations support a certain policy of the government and are controlled opposition groups. The Boxer Movement supported the government’s confrontation with foreigners, the May 4th movement supported the government’s external toughness, the Cultural Revolution supported the government’s (Mao Zedong) overthrow of Liu Shaoqi, the August 6th movement supported the government’s (Hu Yaobang) reform of the electoral system for people’s congresses, and the 1989 student movement supported the government’s (Zhao Ziyang) Discussing for Hu Yaobang is a step closer to suppressing "conservatives".
A truly uncontrolled demonstration will not be under the banner of "supporting a certain decision of a certain person in the government". Take Qing as an example:
In the Qing Dynasty, there were countless uncontrolled opposition groups before the Boxers. The early anti-Qing Fuming Triad Organization and the White Lotus Sect, Wu Sangui and other forces did not count. In the late Qing Dynasty, there were also Taiping Heavenly Kingdom, Xiaodaohui, Nian Army, Xinjiang Uncontrolled opposition forces such as the 70% khanate of Aquba and the so-called "Sun Party", that is, Sun Yat-sen's revolutionary party.
At this time, the Qing Dynasty needs to launch a mass movement so that the masses can find something to do and someone to vent their anger on. Otherwise, they might join some anti-government organization.
So the government took advantage of the desire of the masses to vent, organized a group of gangsters who practice martial arts, and made up some slogans to let these gangsters beat foreigners.
This trick was actually used before in Sanyuanli when fighting against the British. Mobilizing the masses to resist foreigners is an old routine of the Qing Dynasty. You can see the jingle compiled by the Qing Dynasty for the Boxers, "Red light shines, the world laughs. Kill foreigners first, then kill foreign religions" "God helps fist, boxers... demolish railways, pull wire poles, and urgently destroy steamers. Foreign devils, kill all Slogans such as "The Great Qing Dynasty will be able to unify the rivers and mountains" can be seen to be made up by educated people. At that time, the generation of farmers in the Yellow River Flooding Area in Northeast China, what kind of foreign religion did they know, what about steamships?
What foreigners endanger is the rule of the Qing Dynasty, not the peasants. You must know that farmers in normal countries protest, usually to protest against low food prices or land mergers and environmental pollution. In ancient China, it was fleeing famine and peasant uprising. The peasant movement, which took the initiative to support the government and help the government defeat its opponents, was the first of its kind in the Qing Dynasty during the two thousand years of imperial rule.
Farmers are farming in the fields every day, and they suddenly want to help the government against foreigners. Naturally, someone instigates and writes songs.
Nineteen years after the end of the Boxer Movement, when Liang Qichao was facing his political opponents, he suddenly remembered the Boxer's move to mobilize the masses. Therefore, students were mobilized to protest the Paris Peace Conference, and the May 4th Movement was launched.
In fact, students usually only protest the high price of food in the cafeteria and the bad food. Does the Twenty-One of the Paris Peace Conference have anything to do with students? Obviously someone provoked. If the students really cared so much about the territory, then Mongolia became independent, Manchukuo was established, and the Chinese Soviet was established, why didn’t there be large-scale demonstrations by students?
The May 4th Movement was quite a big mess, which left a deep impression on Mao Zedong, who was 26 years old at the time. He was addicted to rebellion and wanted to find an opportunity to engage in a movement like the May Fourth Movement all his life. So in order to defeat Liu Shaoqi, he finally imitated the May 4th Movement and instigated the 66-year student movement. It also has a nice name, the Cultural Revolution.
It was created by combining the New Culture Movement of the year and the creativity of the revolutionaries. The purpose, of course, is to defeat Liu Shaoqi. In fact, among those students who rose up to protest against Liu Shaoqi, how many of them could get in touch with Liu Shaoqi, why did they hate Liu Shaoqi so much? Of course it was Mao Zedong who did it.
While criticizing Liu Shaoqi, a Soviet cadre, he incidentally criticized Deng Xiaoping who carried out Liu Shaoqi's line. The students criticized Deng Xiaoping's younger brother, Deng Shuping, and committed suicide. His son jumped off a building and became disabled.
The student movement launched by Mao Zedong undoubtedly left a deep impression on Deng Xiaoping, so he also learned the technique of organizing the masses to "express public opinion", so he first wrote to Mao Zedong to show his weakness, and secretly cooperated with Ye Jianying, Chen Yun and others to try to launch a mass movement for revenge. The two political allies Chen Yun and Ye Jianying were carefully selected by Deng: Chen Yun offended Mao in the late 1950s when he launched an anti-adventurous movement, and his home was ransacked twice after the Cultural Revolution. Ye Jianying was criticized thoroughly because of the February countercurrent incident.
It can be said that Deng, Chen, and Ye belonged to the people who had been criticized by Mao Zedong and then came back to "make meritorious service". The three hit it off and imitated Mao Zedong's way of mobilizing the masses to launch the Fourth and Fifth Movement, trying to use public opinion to oppose Mao Zedong and the "Gang of Four". ".
As a result, the April 5th Movement in 1976 was broken up by Jiang Qing's mobilization of Beijing military police and workers with wooden sticks in just two days. Deng Xiaoping was defeated again. It's a pity that Jiang Qing and the others didn't see that Chen Yun and Ye Jianying belonged to Deng Xiaoping, which laid the groundwork for the subsequent crushing of the Gang of Four.
Next came the 86 Student Movement. In fact, Hu Yaobang Wanli thought that Deng Xiaoping was about to fight the conservatives to seize power, so he created a wave of "public opinion" to support Deng Xiaoping. Due to the huge momentum of the 86 student movement, Deng Xiaoping, who was unwilling to make a democratic transition in his heart, launched an action to criticize bourgeois liberalization without hesitation. In fact, it was criticizing Hu Yaobang.
The depressed Hu Yaobang died of massive myocardial infarction in 1989, so Zhao Ziyang organized a commemorative event for Hu Yaobang, imitating Deng Xiaoping's 1976 drama of using the dead to overwhelm the living. That is, the 89 student movement.
This time it was even bigger than the 86 student movement, so that in the end Deng Xiaoping had no troops to transfer in Beijing, so he could only put down his old face and send troops from other places to suppress it.
From the Boxers to the May 4th, from the May 4th to the June 4th, politicians manipulated public opinion time and time again, using the blood of the masses to achieve their political goals, which has to be thought-provoking.
The government's methods of inciting public opinion are also very similar: pulling one faction against another, compiling songs, leaflets, and big-character posters. Open one opening and close the others. The masses are limited to certain slogans and cannot oppose the government or someone in the government.
For example, the Boxers allowed you to kill foreigners but not to oppose the government, the Cultural Revolution allowed you to criticize Liu Shaoqi but not the party to criticize Mao Zedong, June Fourth allowed you to commemorate Hu Yaobang and even called for democracy, but you were not allowed to attack Chairman Mao or oppose the Communist Party, etc. You just have to think about it, whoever wrote the texts about helping the Qing Dynasty and exterminating the foreigners and distributed them among the people, and whoever wrote the texts commemorating Hu Yaobang took the lead in posting big-character posters in universities, you will know who is behind the scenes
We can say that most of the mass movements after the establishment of the Communist Party of China were not spontaneous, but belonged to the "controllable opposition".
The truly uncontrolled mass movements are the exile of the Dalai Lama in India, the repeated armed protests of the Uighurs, the armed protests in Shadian, Yunnan, the appeal of Falun Gong, the 315 incident in Lhasa in 2008, the July 5 incident in Xinjiang and a series of ethnic conflicts after that, To the recent Tonghaina family camp incident and so on.
It can be seen that these mass movements not controlled by the Communist Party are fundamentally different from controlled movements such as the Boxer Rebellion, the Cultural Revolution, and June 4th. The uncontrolled mass movement is more like a traditional peasant uprising, the Hui uprising.
With this understanding, when the next "mass movement" comes, you can simply judge whether it is led by some politicians or a movement not controlled by the government, and then decide whether to participate and how to participate.
It is not to say that the mass movement led by the government can only be used as a pawn. If you have a clear understanding, you can use it in reverse. The mass gathering of 100,000 people organized by Ceausescu is a good example.
And the recent mass movement to overthrow the government in Sri Lanka also illustrates the great potential of the power of the masses. If the millions of students and citizens had walked into Zhongnanhai instead of going on a hunger strike in the square on June 4th, perhaps the political situation would have changed long ago.

I literally sit beneath eight tiers of scheming ambitious entities that represent primal law suffused with evil. The path from this realm leads to an infinite pit of chaos and evil. Now, tell me again how you and your ilk are the victims in this eternal struggle. - Asmodeus (Mordenkainen’s Tome of Foes)
The plane of Nessus is incredibly unique compared to the other planes of Nessus. This plane floats in a swirling crimson void that encompasses them from all directions. The plane itself is flat in its surface, devoid of trees or changes in elevation. The desolate plane, unlike any other plane of Baator, is finite in its size. It stretches 2,500 miles from east to west and 1,100 miles from north to south. The flatness of the plane leaves no place for any creature to hide.
A system of crisscrossing gorge and canyons marks the only true changes in elevation in the plane. In these gorges, canyons, and the network of caves that connect them, live the billions of devils of Nessus. These structures have an infinite amount of space even given the finite nature of the plane. These gorges and canyons often cross, forming towering plateaus.
The canyons and gorges are each distinct and travel to specific locations. However, they all look exactly alike. More importantly, most of these canyons are missing from most maps of the plane. A few maps that were drawn by suicidal or brave adventurers can be found but tend to be extremely pricey. A map of a square mile section of Nessus can easily cost as much as a small castle.
A few of these canyons have bridges that span them. These few bridges are heavily guarded by Asmodeus's elite guards and a host of traps. Rare unguarded bridges are death traps that will inevitably break and send any crosser to their death. The shallowest canyon is 200 feet deep, and the remaining canyons and gorges are usually deeper. Devils in Nessus who cannot fly are encouraged to stick close to the caves and crevasses. In emergency situations, the devils must climb the walls using some sparse handholds or frayed ropes. It is not uncommon for devils to fall to their deaths as a result.
Directions in Baator are unlike the directions of the Material Plane. The strange nature of these planes makes the standard compass rose useless. Most Archdukes simply established the standard compass as a means of travel and mapping for their own planes, arbitrarily assigning a point as north. Asmodeus however, decrees that his own castle should be the northern most point despite its central location on the plane. The strange decree further complicates maps of Nessus making navigating the plane even harder.

DISCOVERY

Nessus was the first layer of Baator to be created and was the original plane of Hell to be created when the Gods of Celestia signed the Pact Primeval. The plane was granted to Asmodeus and his ilk by the Gods so they would not have to witness the punishment rendered to mortal souls. On the plane, the devils first began their plans to corrupt mortals. It was on this original plane that these devils, still somewhat angelic in nature, worked with the Ancient Baatorians to administer their justice. The plane, bleak and barren, was slowly built up and expanded into a tiered infinite plane. The plane was rapidly built into a major factory for manufacturing more devils and harvesting divine energy from the mortal souls that the devils corrupted. The only brief delay in construction of the plane came during a short, but vicious, war between Mephistopheles, the former right hand of Asmodeus, and the Arch-Devil. After the war ended, the construction began anew and the two made amends.
When the Gods discovered that Asmodeus and his devils were luring mortals into disobedience and corruption, they once again put Asmodeus on trial. When the trial proved useless and Asmodeus was acquitted of the charges, the Gods were furious. They threw the devil back to Baator, sending him hurling from the tip of Celestia.
When Asmodeus crashed into Baator, the force of the impact tore a stretch of the initial plane and killed many of the plane's original inhabitants and mutilated many of the others who were not powerful enough to withstand the impact. As the devil continued to fall with his stretch of the original Baatorian plane, the devil carved new planes. Eight new planes formed before the devil and the plane he had rent from the original stopped falling. Asmodeus continued to fall deep into the plane till he came to rest under a massive pile of rubble, bleeding and badly hurt, in the deepest part of Nessus, which came to be known as the Pit.
When the devil eventually recovered, he made this deepest, finite plane his home as a reminder of his fall. From Nessus, the Arch-Devil slowly retook control of the remainder of Baator and resumed his lawful duties.
The creation of the plane of Nessus was not known to the mortal races for millennium. Asmodeus is a jealous guard of his plane and entrance to Nessus requires a letter of permission from the Arch-Devil himself. The first documentation of the plane of Nessus for the Prime Material Plane comes from the philosopher, Philogestes. Philogestes sold his own soul to Asmodeus for the opportunity to document information about Baator. Though, he was given permission to observe and record details about the plane of Nessus, Philogestes could not detail everything. Much of Nessus remains a mystery to those who dwell on the Material Plane.

Travel

The easiest way to travel to Nessus is to be invited by the Arch-Devil onto the plane. Very few mortals have ever received this privilege.
For those who have not received a personal invitation, the only way to enter the plane would be through the plane prior to it, Cania. From Cania, adventurers could sail along the River Styx into Nessus. This path is extremely perilous. For starters, the river is incredibly difficult to navigate. Directions in the Nine Hells are confusing. It is just as likely that sailing along the river could lead to Maladomini. Additionally, the river’s currents are unpredictable, forming whirlpools, eddies, and undertows that can challenge even the most experienced sailors. Moreover, the Styx is guarded by roaming bands of devils as well as undead which are drawn to any sources of life. The river is also known to create illusions and mirages which can mislead travelers. It would be advisable to hire a devil in Cania to act as a guide on the waters.

THE LOCALS

Nessus is different from the other layers of Baator because it has a much higher proportion of the greater devils compared with the lesser devils. The most common kind of devil that is found on Nessus is the pit fiend, though horned devils are a close second. In addition to devils, a few other creatures traverse the planes of Nessus. While hellhounds are a common beast in Nessus, a special breed of hellhound known as the Nessian hellhound roams the plane. These are far more vicious and deadly than the original hellhound. The Nessian hell-hounds form packs with the regular hellhounds and hunt the plane for intruders or lesser devils. There are a few other fiendish beasts that are not devils on Nessus, but there are no mortals who live here.
Asmodeus, a tall, red-skinned devil, with dark horns and elegant clothing is the Lord of Nessus. Known as the Dark One, the Lord of Lies, and the Prince of Evil, Asmodeus is the Arch-Devil of Baator. He rules the plane with an iron fist of law and conducts himself in a soft-spoken, articulate, and ruthlessly logically. Those who look closely at the Arch-Devil will notice that though the devil holds himself with poise and elegance, he is covered in injuries that have not healed. These injuries were sustained by Asmodeus when he was thrown from Celestia. Asmodeus carries himself in public as though the injuries no longer affect him, however they still hurt tremendously, and Asmodeus focuses much of his energy on recovering from the injuries.
Asmodeus is the undisputed master of Baator and exercises complete control over the plane. The Arch-Devil can alter any of the planes at will and can also alter the forms of any of the other Archdukes of Baator. In some cases, he can also kill the others, which causes some of the Archdukes to fear him greatly. With his dominance over Baator, Asmodeus spends much of his time focused on the conquest of other planes, especially the Prime Material Plane and Celestia. Asmodeus receives the energy from any soul collected by any devil or Duke of Baator. For the time being, He spends his time using the energy to heal his own wounds. Once his wounds have healed, Asmodeus intends to use the collected Divine Energy to forge a temporary truce with the Demons and use the truce to destroy the forces of Good once and for all.
Asmodeus is a schemer in every sense. The devil is a smooth talker who only engages with non-devils to corrupt them. One example of such a corruption is the corruption of Zariel, a celestial, into the once Archduke of Avernus. Asmodeus is one of the few devils to never father any Cambion, considering himself far superior to any such creature. A few tieflings also receive the blessing of Asmodeus. These tieflings are far more intelligent than any other and are given a superior mastery over fire. These tieflings are resistant to flames from any creature except those commanded directly by Asmodeus.
In addition to his unsurpassed intellect and charm, Asmodeus is an unmatched combatant, well-versed in both magic and weapon-craft. Asmodeus earned his fame when prior to the creation of Baator, the then-angel was ambushed by a demon invasion without his troops. The Gods sent an army of angels to defend the invasion, believing Asmodeus to have been overwhelmed. The angels arrived too late, however. Instead of finding an army of demons, the angels found that Asmodeus kept the invasion at bay and even pushed the defense into an offense into the Abyss, bolstered by their reinforcement. Though the Archdevil has not fought at the front lines of the Blood Wars, his combat prowess has not decreased.
Once a year, the Arch-Devil holds a feast at his palace in Nessus's Pit, Malsheem. To this feast, the Arch-Devil invites the other Archdukes, devils who have earned a seat of honor, and a few select mortals that have earned his respect or interest (for better or worse). The feast is an enormous affair, and the only time of the year when the pathway to the palace becomes available for creatures other than the Dukes of Nessus to traverse, though it is still heavily guarded to prevent intruders from reaching the palace. The purpose of the Feast is to serve to touch base with the dukes to ensure that Asmodeus's plans are going according to plan, to ensure Hell's superiority in the Blood War, reward devils who have performed exceptionally enough to gain the Lord of the Nine's attention, and to contract mortals who may be useful to himself. These feast feature extravagant performances, a plethora of delicious food and drink, and as much vice as any being could desire.
Adramalech is the right-hand of Asmodeus and serves as the Arch-Devil’s chancellor. His preferred form is that of an elderly human man with a gray beard. His eyes change color to reflect his mood, green when he’s happy and orange when upset and black all other times. In this form, the only features to identify him as a devil are two small, crimson horns that protrude from his head and a single forked tail. He prefers to dress in hues of green and purple.
This devil is tasked with maintaining all records regarding the Nine Hells. In this role, he constantly updates the number of souls collected, the various contracts that exist between devils and mortals, and presides over the court of Devils which settle disputes regarding contracts. Adramalech also tracks every torment caused to devils and the names and locations of any devils not in the Nine Hells. Somehow, despite this busy schedule, Adramalech also finds time to maintain an extensive spy network among the pit fiends which collect information. Adramalech stores this information and the true names of all devils in a tome he calls “The Infernal Record” which is colloquially known to mortals as the “Book of Fire”. Adramalech finds stress relief by torturing the souls of mortals in an extensive dungeon network which lies below Fortress Nessus. He especially despises Humans and Elves and takes special joy in causing them pain.
Adramalech has full authority to give orders to devils. This power was given to Adramalech because he is the only devil in the Nine Hells who shows no desire to usurp the Asmodeus. As a notably weak devil, Adramalech understands that even if he were to somehow become an Arch-Duke or Arch-Devil he would be easily overthrown. Instead, he enjoys the power and control he wields over the Nine Hells from the safety of Asmodeus’s right hand. Adramalech enjoys a small cult of followers in the Prime Material Plane who kidnap and sacrifice human and elf children to him. Because Adramalech is so physically weak, he is constantly guarded by a legion of Pit Fiends.
Phongor is the left-hand of Asmodeus and a rival of Adramalech. This devil usually resembles a human male with pink skin and eyes which glitter even in the shadows. He has oily black hair, two small twisting black horns, and red hooves for feet with a similarly colored tail.
Phongor serves as Asmodeus’s Chief Inquisitor. It is his duty to uncover secrets or to find information that Asmodeus wishes to find. Phongor is considered the most feared devil in Baator after Asmodeus because of his penchant for torture, his prowess in combat with a wickedly sharp whip, and his ability to sniff out secrets.
Phongor’s rivalry with Adramalech is because he knows that the Record Keeper does not know his true name. Adramalech frequently sends spies to try to find Phongor’s true name as it is the only one, he does not know. In response, Phongor sniffs out these spies and viciously kills them because he knows that his secret allows him to maintain an even position of power in Nessus with the Chancellor. His prowess at finding information for Asmodeus means that he holds equal value currently for the Arch-Devil. Phongor spends much of his time ensuring that Asmodeus is well informed regarding the events of every plane. To do so, he has enlisted some of Adramalech’s spies to work for him and tortures information out of other creatures as he needs.
While Adramalech and Phongor serve as Asmodeus’s right and left-hand respectively, his favorite servant is his executioner, Alastor the Grim. A horrifically scarred and broken winged pit fiend, Alastor is considered the strongest of the Pit Fiends. Rumored to be one of the first devils born from Asmodeus’s blood, Alastor the Grim does not speak or act independently of his master. He always accompanies the Arch-Devil acting as a bodyguard and as the executioner for whomever displeases Asmodeus. It is a common belief that if the Nine Hells were destroyed and Asmodeus could only save one creature other than himself, he would choose Alastor the Grim. Alastor the Grim also commands the personal armies of Asmodeus.
There are always six generals in Nessus for Asmodeus’s armies. These generals are constantly changing as the devils vie for power and control.

NOTABLE LOCATIONS

There are two types of notable locations on the plane of Nessus: geographical features and infernal constructions.
The first major geographical feature of Nessus is the river Styx, which enters Nessus through a hidden (and heavily guarded) location from Cania. The river reaches its lowest point in Nessus in a lake known as the “Forgotten Lake”. From here, it sinks into the plain and drips into Gehenna (an outer plane not connected to the Nine Hells).
The Forgotten Lake is rumored to be the place that beautiful memories go to die. When mortal souls are first brough to the Nine Hells, their memories are stripped from them and sent here. Here, the thoughts are broken down and destroyed. Should a creature look into the waters, they will see beautiful memories that slowly corrupt into fiendish nightmares.
Several other rivers also off shoot from the river Styx to fill the rest of Nessus. One of these, indistinguishable from the others, is the river Lethe whose waters are known to cause complete memory loss.
Several notable gorges are also spread throughout the plane. Reaper’s Canyon is Nessus’s canyon of death. Here, no injuries heal, and death finds creatures twice as quickly as elsewhere. Sicknesses and disease are far more powerful. Another canyon is known as Hell’s Lips and is the epitome of gluttony. Mortals that find themselves here may become overcome with insatiable thirst and hunger. One fissure that travels from north to south on the plane is “The Nest”, which houses hundreds of nests for fiendish wasps.
The most noticeable geographic location in Nessus is the large winding canyon that sinks deeper and deeper into the plane, The Serpent’s Pass. This canyon, carved from Asmodeus’s fall, carves to the deepest point of Nessus, which in unknown even to most devils.
At the center, and northern most point, of the plane is a large pit which houses the city of Malsheem. Built from stone and Baatorian green steel, the city stretches in multiple layers along the gorge. Over time, the ever-expanding city has slowly begun to form tunnels into the walls and floor of the pit. This large structure, designed by Asmodeus, is home to millions of devils, perhaps the strongest in the nine hells. Here, Asmodeus keeps his personal army, waiting to conquer the planes with it. At the center of the city of Malsheem is the Fortress Nessus.
Fortress Nessus sits at the deepest point of the Serpent’s Coil but rises far above the rest of the plane. Decadent and bleak, the fortress seems to be a failed recreation of the home of the Gods. Here, Asmodeus resides and rules. The fortress has not been mapped previously and seems uninhabited at all times of the day. Despite its appearance, the fortress is teeming with devils and dangers. Below the fortress is an extensive dungeon which houses the souls of humans and elves for Adramalech to torture. Fortress Nessus also houses the Infernal Records.
The last location of note for Nessus is Tabjari, which lies in Reaper Canyon. Tabjari is a copper citadel which serves as the library, vault, and armory for Asmodeus. Tabjari is nearly impossible to enter. Its entrance is a highly guarded secret. The entire structure is heavily guarded by traps, magic, and devils. The security of Tabjari is even greater than the security in Fortress Nessus because it houses Asmodeus’s greatest treasure, one of the original copies of the Pact Primeval.

MYSTERIES

There are many mysteries with the plane of Nessus for the curious adventurer to find, though at great personal risk. Many of these mysteries remain because adventurers who chose to explore the plane did not return.
The first great mystery of Nessus is how to enter the plane. Though there is an entrance via the river Styx, this passage would require that adventurers travel through the other 8 planes of Baator to find their way into Nessus. Still, this river entrance is hidden and extremely well-guarded. Finding and mapping this location would make one rich beyond definition.
Another great mystery of Nessus comes from a rumor that Asmodeus is still greatly weakened by his wounds. A common rumor within the Outer Planes is that Asmodeus’s true form lies still broken and beaten within Fortress Nessus. Many of the other Archdukes and the Demon Princes of the Abyss spend a significant amount of time trying to find out if the rumor is true (and the location of Asmodeus’s true form) with the hopes of conquering the 9 hells.
The fortress Nessus hold many other secrets, such as information about the weaknesses of the Archdukes, that could hold much value for any being that could find them.
Tabjari holds one of the original copies of the Pact Primeval, which provides the place around it with enormous power. In this place, magic is said to achieve feats that would be otherwise impossible. For this reason, its location is deeply sought. Additionally, the copy itself provides significant strength to the devils. If it were to be stolen, it would greatly turn the tide of the Blood War in favor of the Abyss.

SURVIVAL

Surviving Nessus is horrendously difficult for those that have not been personally invited by Asmodeus. Travelers should equip themselves with means of surviving some of the hottest temperatures in the planes, second perhaps only to the plane of fire. Likewise, they should equip themselves to survive frigid temperatures that exist in some of the gorges. Because Nessus is finite, it can be more easily mapped than any other planes. Perhaps a daring adventuring group would be able to find some enemy of Asmodeus who has a map of the plane. Another duke of the nine hells may have such a map and forming a pact with one may be wise for finding a way through Nessus without Asmodeus’s permission. If not, the safest way to traverse the plane would be to make some pact with the Arch-Devil.
For those who attempt to sneak onto Nessus, stealth is the best option. The plane teems with a seemingly infinite number of the deadliest devils in the nine hells. Direct confrontation with a small group will only draw more of them towards a party. Additionally, it would be wise to find some way to carry provision onto the plane because food is sparse. Nessus is also covered in a dense fog of noxious fumes which make breathing difficult. Adventurers should account for this trait and find some way to filter their breathing as needed.

Toolkit

Nessian Hell-Hound
Large fiend, neutral evil
Armor Class: 17 (natural armor)
Hit Points: 129 (13d10 + 52)
Speed: 50ft., fly 50ft.

CR: 10 (5,900 XP)

STR	DEX	CON	INT	WIS	CHA
[+6]	[+3]	[+5]	[-3]	[+1]	[+0]

Saving Throws: DEX +6, CON +8 Skills: Perception +4, Stealth +6 Damage Resistances: Cold, Fire Damage Immunities: Poison Damage Vulnerabilities: Radiant Condition Immunities: Poisoned, Sleep Senses: Darkvision 60ft., passive Perception 14 Languages: Infernal, Common
Traits
Devils Sight. Magical darkness does not impede the hell hound.
Actions
Multiattack. The hell hound makes two attacks: one with its bite and one with its claws.
Bite. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 10 ft., one creature. Hit: 17 (2d10 + 6) piercing damage.
Claws. Melee Weapon Attack: +9 to hit, reach 5 ft., one creature. Hit: 13 (2d6 + 6) slashing damage.
Hellfire Breath: (Recharges 5-6). The Nessian Hell-Hound unleashes a 10 ft cone of fire that deals 40 (9d8) fire damage. Creatures caught in the cone must make a DC17 dex save, taking half damage on a successful save.
With this, I have finally finished an entry for each of the Nine Hells for the Atlas project. I started writing about the Nine Hells in 2018, five years ago. After 4 years of writing and rewriting this article, it’s finally done which is a weird feeling. Nessus was especially hard to write about because I wanted it to feel dangerous, mysterious, and hard to understand. Hopefully, this is useful to some people. Moving forward, I’m planning to update the older entries with better information.
Check out my previous entry for the Atlas of the Planes project: Cania
Write Your Own Atlas Entry!

The expected date of Hajj this year is 26 June 2023 to 1 July 2023.
Hajj is performed over five to six days, from the 8th to the 12th or 13th of Dhul Hijjah, the last month of the Islamic lunar calendar
When did Hajj become an Obligation?
The obligation of Hajj, the annual pilgrimage to Mecca, was established during the lifetime of the Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) in the year 9 AH (After Hijrah). It was during this year that the Prophet received a revelation from Allah instructing Muslims to perform Hajj. The revelation came in the form of a verse from the Quran:
"And [due] to Allah from the people is a pilgrimage to the House - for whoever is able to find thereto a way." (Quran 3:97)
From that moment onwards, Hajj became a religious obligation for all Muslims who have the physical and financial means to undertake the journey. It is considered one of the five pillars of Islam, along with the declaration of faith, prayer, fasting during Ramadan, and giving charity.
The Significance of Hajj in the Life of a Muslim:
Hajj holds immense significance in the life of a Muslim. It is a transformative journey that not only strengthens one's faith but also brings about spiritual growth and self-reflection. Here are a few key reasons why Hajj is considered so important:

1. Fulfillment of Religious Obligation: Hajj is a fundamental religious duty for Muslims. By fulfilling this obligation, believers demonstrate their obedience to Allah and their commitment to practicing Islam in its entirety.
2. Unity of the Muslim Ummah: Hajj serves as a unifying force for the global Muslim community. Muslims from different countries, races, and backgrounds come together in Mecca, dressed in the same attire, performing the same rituals, and reciting the same prayers. This unity showcases the diversity within Islam and reinforces the sense of brotherhood and sisterhood among Muslims.
3. Spiritual Purification and Forgiveness: Hajj provides a unique opportunity for Muslims to seek forgiveness and cleanse their souls. Through the rigorous physical and spiritual acts of worship, pilgrims engage in self-reflection, repentance, and supplication. It is a time to seek forgiveness from Allah and strive for spiritual purification.
4. Commemoration of Prophetic Legacy: Hajj is deeply rooted in the legacy of the Prophets Ibrahim (Abraham) and Muhammad (peace be upon them). It is a commemoration of the trials, sacrifices, and devotion of these prophets and their families. Muslims retrace the footsteps of Prophet Ibrahim, who built the Kaaba, and perform rituals that symbolize his unwavering faith and obedience to Allah.

The Rituals of Hajj
Hajj consists of several rituals that pilgrims perform during their journey. These rituals are deeply symbolic and hold significant spiritual meaning. Some of the key rituals include:
The Ninteen Steps of Hajj At A Glance

1. Preparation and Intention: Before embarking on the Hajj journey, pilgrims make necessary preparations and declare their intention to perform the pilgrimage solely for the sake of Allah.
2. Enter the State of Ihram: Upon reaching the designated boundary known as the Miqat, pilgrims enter the state of Ihram by wearing the prescribed clothing (for men) and observing the necessary restrictions. This state signifies the beginning of the pilgrimage.
3. Tawaf x7: Pilgrims perform Tawaf by circumambulating the Kaaba in the Grand Mosque in Mecca seven times in an anti-clockwise direction. This act symbolizes the unity of Muslims and their devotion to Allah.
4. Safa and Marwa: After Tawaf, pilgrims proceed to the hills of Safa and Marwa and walk or run seven times between them, retracing the steps of Hajar (Hagar), the wife of Prophet Ibrahim (Abraham). This commemorates her search for water for her infant son, Ismail (Ishmael).
5. Clip/Shave Hair (Umrah ends): At this stage, pilgrims complete the Umrah (lesser pilgrimage) by either clipping a small portion of their hair or completely shaving their heads, symbolizing the completion of a major part of the pilgrimage.
6. Resting and Praying: Pilgrims rest, pray, and engage in supplication, seeking spiritual rejuvenation and connection with Allah.
7. Enter the State of Ihram: After resting, pilgrims re-enter the state of Ihram, preparing for the main rites of Hajj.
8. Arrive at Mina: Pilgrims move to Mina, a small town near Mecca, where they spend the day and night in preparation for the following day's events.
9. Day of 'Arafah: On the 9th day of Dhul Hijjah, pilgrims gather on the plain of Arafat. They engage in prayer, supplication, and reflection, seeking forgiveness and spiritual elevation. This day is considered the most important part of Hajj.
10. Muzdalifah (Under the night sky): After sunset, pilgrims move to Muzdalifah, where they spend the night under the open sky. They collect pebbles here for the next ritual.
11. Rami (Stoning of the devil): Pilgrims return to Mina and engage in the ritual of stoning, symbolizing the rejection of evil temptations. They throw pebbles at three pillars representing Satan.
12. Hady: Pilgrims sacrifice an animal, typically a sheep or goat, in remembrance of Prophet Ibrahim's willingness to sacrifice his son as an act of obedience to Allah.
13. Shaving of the Head: Pilgrims shave their heads or trim their hair, marking the completion of the main rituals of Hajj. This act signifies humility and purity.
14. Tawaf al-Ifadha: Pilgrims return to Mecca to perform Tawaf al-Ifadha, another circumambulation of the Kaaba, and offer additional prayers.
15. Saai': Following Tawaf al-Ifadha, pilgrims perform Saai'—walking or running between Safa and Marwa seven times, replicating the actions of Hajar in her search for water.
16. Rami (Stoning of the devil): Returning to Mina, pilgrims engage in the stoning ritual once again, throwing pebbles at the three pillars representing Satan.
17. Spend the Night at Mina: Pilgrims spend another night in Mina, engaged in worship and reflection.
18. Rami (Stoning of the devil): On the 11th and 12th day of Dhul Hijjah, pilgrims stone the three pillars in Mina once more, symbolizing their commitment to resist evil.
19. Farewell Tawaf al-Wida': Before leaving Mecca, pilgrims perform Tawaf al-Wida', the Farewell Tawaf, bidding farewell to the Kaaba and concluding their pilgrimage. It is a final act of devotion and gratitude.

Hajj 2023, the annual pilgrimage to Mecca, holds immense significance in Islam. It is a journey that encapsulates faith, devotion, unity, and self-reflection. Through its rituals, Hajj allows Muslims to deepen their spiritual connection with Allah, seek forgiveness, and renew their commitment to live a righteous life. As millions of pilgrims prepare for this sacred journey, it is a time of great anticipation and spiritual transformation. May Hajj 2023 be a blessed and transformative experience for all those embarking on this remarkable pilgrimage.

Thanks to "Sithking Zero" on the NoP Discord for editing help.
Memory transcription subject: Tellek , Farmer
Date [standardized human time]: January 19th, 2137
Has it really come to this, am I really this desperate?
I was, for all intents and purposes, broke. The last harvest had been terrible, in addition to the one before that, which was practically a deathblow for my new farmstead. The debts and missed payments had started to pile up, and I was one more bad harvest away from going completely bankrupt.
Like so many farmers before me, I was becoming another victim of the 5 harvest curse.
I told you that starting a new farm was a bad idea.
What was I supposed to do, brain, keep working in the office until I died?
I sat on my chair, surrounded by other farmers who were presumably in similar states of desperation, the room we were in akin to the schoolrooms I had been in as a pup; a desk and whiteboard up front sitting in front of the rows of chairs. Most of the twenty or so figures around me were fellow Venlil, except for a handful of Gojid and even a single Yotul who was sitting in the back, all of us awaiting the start of the ‘lesson’.
They claimed they had a solution to our problem, that they knew how to increase our yields. How could a predator know how to fix our farming issues?.
Human. Human Human Human Human. Not a predator.
Yes yes I know, I’m trying to be better about that.
I stopped my train of thought and corrected myself. Ever since the revelations about many of our allies being former predators, I had been making an effort to stop thinking of the world in terms of predator and prey. It was difficult at times, but given that I was working against a lifetimes worth of lies, I thought I was making good progress..
But even if “Predator” wasn’t the curse it used to be, how could a human claim to know how to fix our farming issues? Even if we ignored the differences between our diets, for all their advantages, humans were still far below our technological advancements.
Almost on cue, the door to the room opened up, and the figure of the human who had invited us here entered with an enthusiastic bounce, caring two large cases covered with black cloth
Unlike most, this human was unmasked, its piercing eyes and beaming teeth filled smile visible for all to see. I could feel the room start to fill with panic. Sure, logically I knew I was probably safe, but seeing the unmasked features of an apex predator caused fear to grip the edge of my heart.
I could proudly say I can walk past and interact with masked humans without wanting to flee anymore, but seeing those forward-facing eyes boring a hole into my soul was another task altogether.
Come on, you should be better than this.
I’m trying, ok!
"Hello everyone. My name is Joseph. I'm an ecology student, and I'm here to provide a solution to your farming yields." The human spoke with an unbridled joy, seeming to wait a moment while our translators attempted to explain what Ecology was, stopping half way through and seemingly giving up.
“You might be wondering why I’m unmasked, well we’re going to be covering a lot of ‘predatory’ concepts today, so if you can’t handle this? We’re gonna have bigger problems.” Joseph took a moment to broadly gesture to himself, leaving a feeling of dread to start in the pit of my stomach.
If this was just the start, what exactly was going to happen here?
Silence! Wait and see, knowing humans it’s probably interesting at the very least.
“I’ve finally been given authorization to start a trial of this program. Both the UN and Venlil governments are very interested in increasing food supply for both our people. As you might know we’re kinda at war, and logistics wins wars.”
The human paused for a moment, a shiver running around most of the room as he gave a large beaming smile.
“So to start: paws, claws, or tails up if you know about the ‘5 harvest curse.’”
The room immediately was filled with Federation species all raising their prospective limbs in affirmation. Of course we all knew what it was, that was why most of us were here.
How would the human know about that?
Basic research, simple reading, asking literally any farmer?
“Fantastic! I’m still going to explain it so we’re all on the same page. The ‘5 harvest curse’ is a phenomenon where new farms on Venlil prime often fail within the first five harvests. On a side note, the coincidental fact that five has a religious contention in Venlil culture is neat.”
I could feel an annoyance start to course through me, that the affliction currently driving me to destitution was being described as ‘neat’ by the callous predator. I mean human.
Stupid human.
Joseph either didn’t pick up or ignored my annoyance as he pressed a button, a graph appearing on the whiteboard showing expected yields over time, continuing on in his seemingly endless enthusiasm.
“So in general the five harvest curse follows a standard pattern of yields, with the first two harvests being up to 52% larger than even more established farms, plummeting after that until the business is non-viable and collapses. Officially the reason for this is unknown, with some vague religious stupidity about new farms being too far away from the center of the habitable strip.”
This was nothing new to me, I remembered feeling the joy of the sheer output from my first harvest, of wondering if I could finally make something of myself, a joy that had been whittled down as my last two harvests had been pitiful.
“However there’s an interesting thing, if you also plot the number of predator sightings during this time against the yields, you can see a direct correlation between number of predators and the success of each harvest.”
Wait, what? Is this human trying to say that predators… increase harvest? That can’t be right, that can’t be right at all. That would be insanity.
The data is literally there in front of you.
Yet it was there on the screen, a second graph had appeared on the whiteboard, tracking predator sightings over time in each of the farms afflicted by the curse.
“This tracks with most farms' general lifecycle. You buy a plot of untamed land on the edge of the habitable zone but you don’t have enough money to go full anti-predator. As the harvests come in you end up spending more and inadvertently messing it up.”
This caused a small amount of murmuring and energetic rejection by myself and the other members of the room, wiping away the previous undercurrent of fear. It was insanity, it went against everything I had ever known or been taught about farming and how the world worked. How could a predator of all things be beneficial?
Didn’t the introduction of humans also go against everything I had ever known or been taught about?
“If this effect is so obvious, how has nobody found this before?”
The sound of a Venlil challenging Joseph was greeted by murmurs of agreement from the group, causing the human to give a different kind of smile. Not a smile of joy or excitement as had been seen before, but the smile of someone who had something for this.
“Because you have. 150 years ago, a Venlil named Slavek wrote a paper regarding this. 119 years ago, Vicktal did the same. As well as Traval, Stralan, and Vilkin in between then and now. Those are just the ones I’ve found. Who can guess what happened to them?”
There was a pause, before the uplift in the back spoke up for the first time, a surety in the Yotul’s voice.
“They were diagnosed with predator disease.”
Joseph pointed at the Yotul in the back with both hands, the joy radiating from him.
“Based Space Kangaroo gets 10 points for being correct! Yep the federation has been actively suppressing anything that suggests that predators are more than some kind of eldritch evil, that and your surprising lack of hydroponics causes most planets to be dependent on the core worlds for food imports. Probably by design for control.”
Wait… that’s a good point, why aren’t we using hydroponics?
The human took a moment to switch to the next slide, showing a simple three part cycle.
“Most healthy ecological systems are made up of three parts: Plants, which are eaten by herbivores, which are in turn eaten by carnivores. In reality actual systems are far more complex than these, but as a basic understanding this will suffice. These three parts keep each other in check, each part dependent on the other, which-”
“Are you trying to say that predator attacks are a good thing? Are you suffering from predator disease?! ”
The Venlil interrupted once again to more murmured agreement, causing Joseph to give a sigh of clear annoyance in response. I wished the Venlil would shut up and just let the human talk.
“No, I’m not suggesting we airdrop a bunch of Nissa into the Capital, I'm explaining how natural systems work. Sapience obviously breaks this cycle, which if you deviate too far, you end up with something called trophic cascade."
The human seemed to wait a moment for the translator to once again fail to explain the meaning of the phrase.
I wonder how many basic concepts the federation lacks words for…
"Rather simply, the removal of one of these pieces has wider effects, reducing biodiversity and in many cases causing a complete ecological collapse. An example of this is the dust bowl effect, something the federation is well acquainted with."
There was a moment before the whiteboard changed before showing pictures of desolate barren worlds. Without any explanation I knew exactly what I was looking at. It was one of the… lesser talked about aspects of the federation.
"The Skivit grand herd are a species who go from planet to planet stripping ecosystems bare, devouring everything down to the smallest sapling. This removes important root systems that act as drainage, causing flooding and deserts to form as new plantlife lacks the structure to grow. In many cases these ecosystems are permanently destroyed, turning once lush planets into lifeless husks”.
I couldn’t help but feel sorrow for those planets. It was well known the impact the Skivit had on planets, once thriving planets of beauty. Although if I was following this human’s logic correctly did that mean…
“Now I’m not suggesting that the Skivit need a predator, that would be immoral.” Joseph cut off the thought I was about to have, seemingly understanding the logical thought many of us had picked up on. “But instead this is a real life example of damage an unchecked herbivore can have on ecosystems. If the Skivit didn’t have FTL travel they would have long ago driven themselves to starvation under their current society. It’s also not the only form of this trophic cascade.”
“Surely this doesn’t just apply to prey? Or are you saying prey are somehow inferior?”
The sound of the Gojid cutting in was filled with an unspoken challenge against the idea, inciting general sounds of agreement from those around him. Surprisingly however, Joseph seemed to respond positively.
“That is entirely correct, an overabundance of carnivorous species can also cause their own issues. Keep in mind what I’m describing here is an extremely simplified version, just the addition or removal of a single species can cause untold damage and harm to the diversity of ecological systems as the impacts are felt in the most seemingly unlikely cases.”
With that the human reached under the desk, taking one of the two covered containers he had brought with him and placing it into view.
“In Venlil Prime’s case, while the impact of Federation thinking has been reduced due to the day and night sides being mostly untouched, you still have the problem of overpopulation of certain species, and a lack of reasonable fear response from certain prey species. This has accumulated into the problem you all face.”
With that he removed the cover, causing a surge of fear to ripple through the participants around me until we all calmed down at what was underneath: A small cage, containing a single red bird busily eating seeds.
All farmer’s arch nemesis.
“This is a Flowerbird, a seed eating avian often coming in solid red, blue, or green. They are adorable, dumb as a sack of bricks and food motivated to a fault. They are also one of the biggest causes of farm yield destruction, with these birds alone being responsible for around about 41% of all losses. If we include Voidpins and other similar wildlife, farms can have up to 94% of their yield destroyed before they even get to harvest.”
Everyone in this room was familiar with the cursed avians. While your average city dweller would enjoy the sight of a flock of Flowerbirds, the farming community knew of them as a blight that devastated crops.
Joseph took a moment to open the cage, reaching inside and grabbing the bird. A small part of me wondered if he was about to devour it in front of us, before I tamped down on such an illogical idea. Of course the humans wouldn’t, we knew they didn’t do that. The Flowerbird also seemed completely unfazed about being in the meaty grasp of a predator, simply continuing to eat.
“Even worse, these things have basically zero fear response to noises and large beasts, probably due to all major predators having been removed. As you can see this specimen doesn’t mind a ‘scary predator’ grabbing it. As long as it has food, it couldn’t care less. This makes pest control tricky, as scaring them away is no longer an option. Poisons would be used in such a case, but they can have wider ranging effects, and poisoning prey is considered ‘Predatory’, not that many of you haven’t tried ‘accidentally’ leaving potential pesticides out.”
This caused a sway of discomfort to sweep through the room, tails switching in guilty movements as everyone tried to hide the truth of this human’s words. I knew I personally had considered such actions in desperation.
I mean, would ‘accidently’ leaving out a known poisonous chemical really be a sign of predator disease?
“Ha! I know enough tail language to know I’m right, that’s guilt isn’t it? I’ve read your internet, I know your discussions on loopholes about what is and isn’t predatory!” Joseph cried out in triumph as many of the Venlil of the room reached out to grab their traitorous appendages. “Now normally I would just tell people to stop being idiots, but in this case we can’t do that. Ironically because predators are actually dangerous. Because of your slaughter the only species left are ones aggressive and smart enough to survive. Shadestalkers are legitimately dangerous and can’t be left to interact with the farming community because people will die.”
The words from Joseph all sounded so… reasonable at this point. However, I, along with the rest of the room, were all desperately waiting for the other paw to drop. Because there would be, humans always had something they were about to do.
Almost in response to our thoughts the human placed the second container on the desk, covering up the first in response.
“Humans have dealt with this problem in a simple way, a way that our Yotul friend over there will know of. I need all of you to please remain calm and orderly, and to remember that you’re perfectly safe and there’s no need to overreact or panic. Humans dealt with this pest problem, through the use of safe predators.”
Before anyone could properly react to those words, the cover of the second container was removed, showing… a predator. An actual one, not a human but an actual real threat. Small piercing front facing yellow eyes attached to a brown feline form, sulking from the cage it was being held in.
Speh speh speh speh that’s a PREDATOR, A FERAL PREDATOR
If it was a danger the human wouldn't have-
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO DO NOT LIKE NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.
The panic in the room was immediate. Sapient human predators we had gotten used to, but none sapient ones were another deal entirely. Chaos started to spread as the 7 in the front row got up, pushing themselves up against the back wall as everyone else in the room did the same. Three Venlil made the choice to bolt out of the room, rushing past the human and his tiny devourer, while another clean fainted, hitting the floor with a thud. One even decided to take things further, jumping out of the singular window attached to the far wall in a frantic motion.
I could feel fear overwhelm me, desperately staring at the feline and waiting for it to make its move. What was the human thinking, it was going to attack at any moment, it was going to-
“STOP, Stop this stupidity. Right. NOW!”
The stern commanding voice of Joseph caused everyone in the room to freeze. The calm enthusiastic demeanor of the predator was gone, replaced with an emotion I’d never actually seen a human show before: anger.
“It has been six months! Do you really still believe that the UN or the Venlil government would put you in actual danger? You’re still thinking based on your stupid fascist Federation propaganda. Thinking that tells you that the Yotul are primitive, or the Venlil are weak. Propaganda that says genetically modifying people against their will is morally OK”
I knew that humans normally bared their teeth in joy, as a sign of happiness and friendship. This wasn’t the case right now, as everything in Joseph’s body language screamed of rage, of pain, of words spoken through gritted teeth. Nobody in the room was focused on the predator in the cage at this point, instead all eyes staring at the human. Suddenly the feline mattered a lot less than the anger of the human.
“That sort of thinking leads to the belief that killing over a billion innocent people is somehow the right thing to do. You are all presumably intelligent sapient adults able to think things through logically. Could you all please act that way?”
I could see the swishes of shame from the other Venlil’s tails, everyone in the room avoiding eye contact guiltily. Well, apart from the Yotul, who had remained seated and calm this entire time, staring almost joyfully at the feline predator. The human, of course, was completely right. Taking a moment to force myself to think, the predator was safely behind metal bars and was making no move to attack, seemingly content to stare lazily at us.
You finished overreacting?
Shut up, brain.
“Also, at the risk of ruining the angry vibe I’m giving off, is the guy who jumped out the window OK? Jesus Christ, we are two stories up, do we have to call someone or….”
Joseph had relaxed a little in response to the group calming down, allowing the normal empathetic nature of humans to come through once more. Slowly I made my way to the window, looking down to see a singular Venlil running off into the distance.
“I-I think he’s fine.” I responded, causing the human to give a sigh of relief in response.
“Good. Note to self, do this in a room without windows next time… or maybe just the ground floor. So, to continue where I left off, humans have used tame predators as a natural non-invasive form of pest control since we started farming. This is a cat, completely harmless unless you’re a small rodent or bird. They also have this effect.”
With a flourish Joseph removed the covering for the cage containing the Flowerbird once more, the red little avian had been busily eating during the entire presentation so far. However upon spotting the Feline predator did something none of us had ever seen before.
It stopped eating. Wait, the human managed to get a Flowerbird to stop eating! I didn’t even know that was possible…
Giving repeated alarmed chirps it moved as far away as it could from the predator, still trapped inside the small cage, a frantic fear obvious on the poor little thing. Joseph let this go on for a few moments more, before dropping the cover back on and silencing the Flowerbird once more.
Everyone in the room was shocked. You could literally scream and shout all you wanted at the dumb little birds and they would ignore you and continue to devour crops. The fact that the feral predator had managed to stop the bird from doing that simply with its presence… was huge. Was more than huge.
“As you can see, the instincts of the ‘prey’ animal still remain. Presumably, whatever predator used to hunt these Flowerbirds has a resemblance to our cats. Normally it would be sacrilege to suggest introducing cats to an ecosystem, but in this case your ecosystems are so messed up that’s exactly what we want to do: Provide any farmer who wants one with a kitten, in order to quickly reduce yield lost to pests.”
I would be lying if I didn’t say I wasn’t interested. On the one hand having a vicious predator in my house, where my pups would visit seemed like something a predator diseased individual would only consider. On the other hand, nothing else I had ever tried had even come close to the simple effectiveness shown here.
Would I be this desperate and in debt if I had one of these “cats” already?
“So I can see you’re all still a little worried, so we’re going to have a little discussion, for which I need a volunteer-'' The Yotul in the back practically fell over with excitement, with his arm raised immediately as he interrupted, causing Joseph to give a small smile. “One who isn’t a Yotul. I know your history with similar pets, and we are totally going to hook you up with a cat, but for this I could do with a Venlil please.”
The Yotul sat back down, a look of disappointment plastered over his face as the rest of the room shifted uncomfortably. Nobody wanted to be the person to step up and presumably get closer to the predator. Until I found myself raising my hand.
Brain, what the hell are you doing?
You said you wanted to be better, and we’re desperate.
NOT LIKE THIS BRAIN!
In a blur I found myself being introduced to the room and being told to sit at a chair next to the desk in front of the rest of the members here. Then, to my horror, Joseph opened the cage and took the feline predator out of its holding cell. The human took a few moments to fuss over the beast before turning to the rest of us.
“So now that we have our volunteer, let's logically look at our ‘dangerous predator’. The first thing to notice is simply the size. Regardless of anything else, size matters, size matters a lot. It’s hard to feel threatened by something that you can literally throw across the room.”
Joseph took a moment to hold the small creature next to me for context, highlighting just how small the predator actually was: barely the size of a Skivit, like a furry little pup. Logically if it wasn't for the forward facing eyes, I might consider it… cute?
“But what about its teeth and claws? It’s a predator that will tear people apart!”
The voice of the Gojid sounded out, a shrill fearful voice filled with barely contained panic and fear, the source of the sound looking ready to flee even though they weren’t the one sitting next to the predator
“Let's compare these. Tellek can you please extend your paws and show your claws to the group.”
I did as asked, my four black claws visible for all to see as Joseph moved the predator close. He stretched out one of its paws and pressed on a knuckle, a singular sharp claw protruding as he did so, causing a fresh burst of fear to erupt in my heart from being so close to such a thing.
Although if I was to be fully honest, if I was comparing the two, the predator’s claw were…
“As you can see, the cat’s claw, while sharper, is far smaller and more brittle. A Venlil can do some serious damage with their claws, while the worst this cat’s claw could do is break the skin. The teeth are similar, if you could show the group your pearly whites please.”
I again did as asked, feeling embarrassed and weird just having my mouth wide open in front of everyone. I hoped that there was nothing stuck in my teeth. While I did Joseph manhandled the cat again, taking a moment to move the lips and display the sharp needle point teeth, doing so for a moment before the small predator gave a small lazy growl of annoyance, clearly reaching the end of its acceptability.
“Once again we have similar results: Notice the small size of the cat's teeth compared with the Venlil’s. These would pierce skin, the Venlil’s would pulverize bone. Gojid aren’t much better with your literal claws and a back full of knives. Ironically enough the two ‘predators’ in the room are probably the least physically imposing.”
There was a moment as the room seemed to ponder this statement, allowing Joseph enough time to place the cat on the desk next to me, the predator promptly giving a stretch then curling up into a ball. The human was right, even humans themselves were physically… underwhelming, apart from their endurance. No claws, small teeth, no defensive armor or spines.
It’s kinda sad to think the only reason we’re all so scared of humans is their eye placement.
“Now the UN and Venlil government are looking for people to use cats as pest control to increase farming yield, with an initial trial size of about 100 participants. We’re offering a stipend for food, instructional care of your kitten, and as much support as needed. There are risks, for instance you’re going to need warning signs near your property and a containment system, as cats are actually dangerous to the Dossur.”
I could hardly hear Joseph speak, my entire concentration focused on the predator right next to me. I knew logically that the human wouldn’t do something to bring me to harm, but it was difficult to think that with a potentially feral predator right next to me. I saw its eyes fixate onto mine and I quickly looked away.
Maybe if I don’t look at it, it won’t take it as a challenge.
However much to both mine and the rest of the room's shock, slowly and carefully the cat stood up, stretched once before walking purposefully towards me, the room erupting into cries of worry as it leapt off the desk and onto my lap, curling into a ball with me trapped underneath.
“H-h-help…. Help…..!”
The human turned to look at me, breaking into a smile seemingly at my misfortune and giving a small chuckle.
“Awwww, she likes you. As you all can see cats share a lot of characteristics with ‘prey’. They will often seek companionship from others, and have a lot of prey characteristics, being at times skittish due to having many natural predators.”
That was good and all, but didn’t stop me from being trapped under the beast.
I don’t want to think about what could cause a predator to become prey.
“W-What d-do I do?”
Joseph gave a small shrug in response, clearly amused by my reaction.
“You could try petting her. Her name is Sprinkles and I can confirm she likes pets.”
You see brain, this is what happens when I let you do things! Now I'm trapped by a predator and I'm gonna die!
Stop being such a pup, the thing is tiny. Besides, don't humans claim petting stuff is nice?
Slowly I reached out a paw, gingerly approaching the predator, those yellow slitted eyes regarding my exposed arm as I gently placed it on the "cat", running my paw across its back.
I felt my held breath release as the predator did nothing, some of the tension of the room releasing in the instant.
"So interesting thing about cats: they 'chose' to be domesticated."
Joseph had gone back to talking, seemingly happy that I wasn't about to be torn apart. I had stopped listening, entirely focused on keeping the predator satisfied by running my paws across its fur.
Isn't this nice? I gotta admit I understand why humans like doing this.
Fine. I'll admit that this isn't unpleasant, the cat is rather soft.
"When humans originally started farming, that also attracted pests. Cats just turned up, following their food source. They stuck around because humans would feed them and provide companionship."
I was entirely focused on the cat at this point, running my claws through the fur, feeling the predator press itself against my paw, seeming to be enjoying itself. Gently I moved my claw to the back of one of its tiny little ears, scratching behind it like you might do to comfort a young pup. It started to emanate a low vibrating noise in response, causing another wave of tension to emit from the rest of the room.
For some reason, even though this feral predator was sitting on my lap, the sound seemed to vibrate through my heart in a calming motion.
Maybe this is some kind of predatory hypnosis?
Really? Just shush and enjoy this. Being scared of everything all the time is so tiring.
"Nobody needs to worry. That is just the sound a happy cat makes, it's called purring. Although I do need to take Sprinkles back now."
Joseph motioned towards the cat on my lap, a motion I decided to ignore, enjoying petting the purring cat for a few moments more. Eventually the human reached down and removed Sprinkles from my grasp as I momentarily resisted before letting the feline go.
See, that wasn't so bad.
Brain, I will admit- reluctantly- that I would have preferred to keep doing that.
With a small amount of resentment I watched as Joseph placed the cat back inside the cage, before turning back to the rest of the room.
"So anyone who is interested, stick around and we can get the paperwork completed."
—-------------
In the end eight of us remained, 5 Venlil, 2 Gojid, and obviously the Yotul. We had spent the last half a claw having instructions and paper work thrust upon us. Many of the group had immediately left, with others dropping out as various facts of cat ownership became apparent.
Still, those of us who were left behind were now heading to our respective farms, each with a single carry case. Mine was currently containing a gray and black “kitten,” which had been “meowing” loudly during the entire journey.
I looked simply at the little bundle of fur and eyes that peered out from inside the cage I had been given. Part of my mind still screamed danger, but it was a part that was getting quieter and quieter as I continued to look at what was a small fragile bundle of fur that I was now ultimately in charge of.
How could you look at something that’s hardly bigger than your paw, and think it’s a danger?
As I reached my farm, I finally opened up the container and pulled out the tiny predator. My tiny predator. There would be work to do, fences to erect and warning signs to place, but for now I just held the tiny thing in my paws, supporting it in the way I’d been told to. I now knew why humans spent all their time trying to pet things: with the troubles on the farm I hadn’t felt this calm in several cycles.
He was more energetic then Sprinkles had been, but in a way the more skittish nature pulled at my heartstrings, as if it was a small innocent Venlil pup. I sat there stroking it, realizing I still needed to give him a name. He was fluffy, Tiny, innocent, fragile. Yet with an underlying spice as it continued to meow loudly as I held in my paws
“I will call you Fireberry. My little predator.”

Anger has often gotten the best of me. From the early days, from the Old World in the formative years and the dreamy beginnings. The punch marks on cabinets and doors at the old house will tell you how I ran with it. And if yelling left a physical mark, there would have been a deep groove in middle of the living room. My mother has seen a few tantrums, one just a few days before her death. My sisters have been the subject of this anger, my friends, pretty much everybody.
And because this is the real world and things don't fix themselves, the anger turned into rage and it stayed with me as I abused substance after substance, ignoring the only responsible course of action, and that is therapy. I used the general public like a dart board and threw tantrums at bus stations that didn't have tickets, at cab drivers that didn't have change, at the electrician, the waiter, the guy selling things and the things themselves.
In my teenage years, I used to cry in the bathroom every night after being yelled it for some reason or the other. I remember clearly how my teary, snot-covered face looked in the mirror and promised it that I won't be like that when I grew up. I swore sincerely that I will be the exact opposite. But I did grow up and did become that, so who was I promising in the mirror? Was it my reflection? Was it someone else I had summoned to make a binding pledge?
Whoever it was, the pledge wasn't binding enough and I got no pangs of consscience as I walked over my own red lines. Always thinking I had the moral and logical high ground, I did not exercise a touch of self control over the rage and I let it out exactly like I said I never would. Somewhere along the way as I lost my belief in that which is invisible, I lost my promise to the mirror and whatsoever that was inside it.
Then one day we went out to the desert to camp, everyone is having fun, the fire is burning. So I walk out away from all that until it's pitch black and there is no one around me, and when it was completely silent, like dead silent, I talked to myself. I told myself that I know what I was doing and that I needed to stop. I wasn't waiting for a magical experience or a sensory flush. I just wanted it to mean something.
And I often wonder, where did it all start? My father surely has it and so did his father and everyone in my line of ancestry, but where did it come from? Was this a part of the original catalog of characters everyone but me seems to have been handed? Was this the only remaining character template when it was time for me to enter the earth? I may have not chosen this but then again who really does? One way or the other, you learn that you're responsible for even the reins that slip through your fingers.